A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "But I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
An agricultural salesman is visiting a farm with a view to flogging a new type of combine harvester. "No, sorry son," says the farmer, "my pig takes care of all the harvesting - I have no need for your fancy gizmo." "Could save you money in the long-term" tries the salesman. "No, your combine would never match my pig's productivity - you should see him go - swishing away with that scythe." The salesman is intrigued about this pig and asks to see the creature. The farmer leads the salesman to an enclosure. Standing within - tall and proud - is the most magnificent pig the salesman has ever seen. But the pig has got a wooden leg. "That sure is an impressive pig, sir, but why's he got a wooden leg?" asks the salesman. "This pig is more than 'impressive' mister - I'm sure he's unique! Do you know he can also drive the tractor!?" "Really? But why's he got a wooden leg?" "He drives our children to school and back!! - even helps them with their homework!!" "I'm impressed" admits the salesman, "but why the wooden leg?" "THIS PIG is also a leading authority on organic farming; thanks to him we've managed to branch out, and now our revenue is higher than that of any other farm in this county!! "Yeah, yeah!! You've got one hell of a pig - I can see that by just looking at him - but why does it have a wooden leg!?" Insists the salesman. "Did I mention the publishing deals? This pig's just written a best seller - we're going to be even richer now!!" "Amazing, truly amazing - but why the WOODEN LEG!!!!!!!!!!" The farmer looks admiringly at his pig and then turns to the salesman: Son, with a pig like this - you just DON'T eat him all at once."
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. A gay guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "Take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." "That's not so bad, what's the big deal?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over." "Again?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Wow, you must have been pretty upset! but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed." The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in."
An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area, For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearence.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.
"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over t'cow barn."
"Well, I have some important items to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't...He's the one with the beard and mustache."
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asks the farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yells back.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
Why did the bull rush?
Because it saw the cow slip!
What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
A battery hen!
What do you call an arctic cow?
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a sty-scraper!
Why does a rooster watch TV?
What do you get from a drunk chicken?
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell?
A bird that has to wring its own neck!
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.
Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.
Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
A farmer decides that his 3 sows should be bred, and contacts his buddy down the road, who owns 3 male pigs. They agree on a stud fee, and the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and brings them down the road to the males. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks the man how he can tell if it 'took' or not. The breeder replies that if, the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't ... Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling in the mud. About the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous, AND expensive. You check today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" "Nope." says the wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 miles an hour when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running along beside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour, the chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he knew about the chicken. As a matter of fact, the farmer said that his son was a geneticist. And he had developed this breed of chicken because the three of them each like a drumstick when they have chicken, and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
The salesman said, "That's the most fantastic story I have ever heard. How do they taste?" The farmer said, "I don't know. We can't catch 'em."
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a cow? Cockadoodlemoo!
What do you call the spots on black and white cows? Holstains.
Where do cows like to ride on trains? In the cow-boose.
TOP 10 REASONS FARM TRUCKS AREN'T STOLEN:
#10 They have about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
#7 It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
#5 They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
#4 The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
#3 Top speed is approximately 45 mph.
#2 Who wants to steal a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u- joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield?
#1 It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow? Milk of Amnesia.
Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.
How does a farmer count a herd of cows? With a cowculator.
How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.
Why can't you tell secrets in the cornfield? The corn has ears.
What do you get when you feed cows money? Rich milk!
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
A young bachelor farmer from the Eastern Shore of Maryland had developed a reputation for being a perfectionist. When planting corn, the rows had to be exactly 16 and a half inches apart . . . . not 16 and a quarter, not 16 and three quarters . . . . but exactly 16 and a half inches. When he built a new wooden fence for his horses, the top rail of the fence had to be exactly 48 inches from ground level at all points. Neighbors would drive by and see him out in the field several times a week measuring the top rail of the fence with a laser device and they would just shake their heads. Make no mistake about it, this bachelor farmer was a perfectionist.
When he turned 23 years old, he decided there were no suitable young ladies for him anywhere on the Eastern Shore. He dated dozens of young women from Pocomoke City to Dover and never seemed to find that one perfect woman. There was always something that disqualified a girl from being his perfect mate.
So he decided to travel out to the corn belt and see if he could find the ideal farm girl, the one that was perfect in every way. He drove the back roads of Iowa, Illinois and Indiana where he scouted for the perfect woman. While traveling through southern Nebraska one afternoon, he came upon a quaint, well-kept little farmstead where three young ladies were outside enjoying the brilliant, sunny day. He stopped and discovered the three young ladies were all sisters . . . and all were single. They were beautiful, intelligent, feminine in some respects and tom-boyish in other respects. They were knowledgeable about life on the farm and seemed to be fine, outstanding young ladies. So he decided to ask the girl's father if he could date them . . . one at a time of course. He told the father he was looking for his perfect bride and the father responded that all three girls were indeed available.
So he took the first sister out and had the time of his life. She was bright, witty, and fun to be with. But when he returned the girl home, he told the girl's father that, although she was very close to perfection, she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . pigeon-toed.
He then took the second sister out on a date and the two had a great time, talking into the wee hours of the morning and hitting it off wonderfully. But when he returned this sister home, he told the girl's father that, she also was very close to perfection, but she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . cross-eyed.
So finally he took the third sister out and knew immediately that he had found the perfect woman. In every way, she was the bride of his dreams.
So they got married a few weeks later and moved back to the Eastern Shore of Maryland where they established their home. Life was good. The corn harvest was huge that fall and prices were better than anyone had seen for several years. Everything seemed to be going perfect, especially when the couple found out they were expecting their first child. The pregnancy went well, and the following summer, the couple gave birth to a healthy baby. But when the new father looked at his child for the first time, he determined this was the ugliest baby he had ever seen. "How could this happen? I went to all that trouble to find the perfect wife and now she gives me this baby that has to be the ugliest child on the planet." The young man was clearly upset.
He immediately got into his truck and drove all the way to the Nebraska farmhouse where he confronted the girl's father and demanded an explanation.
The father responded "Well, you may not have noticed it . . . it was ever so slight . . . . but when you married her, she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . pregnant."
A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.
The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.
The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.
"If there are twenty sheep in a field, and one gets out through a hole in the fence, how many sheep are left in the field?"
"Johnnie, there are still nineteen sheep left in the field. Obviously you don't know arithmetic."
"Sorry, teacher, but I do know arithmetic. Obviously you don't know sheep."
Two farmers were having a great day at the local farmers' market. Farm trucks were loaded down with fresh, local produce and customers were in a buying mood.
But the mood changed when one farmer turned to his neighboring vendor with a disgusted look on his face. He said "I just don't know what we are going to do about these city slickers. Especially the ones that come from the big city."
"What's wrong with city slickers?" asked the other farmer. "They are our best customers. Heck, that last fellow bought two watermelons from you didn't he?"
"Yeah I guess you are right," said the farmer. "But it just galls me every time I sell a watermelon to a city slicker. Especially when they ask me how to peel it."
A few years ago, some folks from the Humane Society and the U.S. Forest Service were at a farm meeting presenting an alternative to West Virginia sheep producers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after several years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the animal rights folks had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the coyotes to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
All of the shepherds at the meeting thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."
A man was walking along a road in the quaint countryside of Franklin County, Pennsylvania and came across a farmer and a huge flock of sheep. He told the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number of sheep in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. He says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picked one up and began to walk away.
"Wait," cried the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man thought for a moment a said "sure."
"You are an economist for the federal government," said the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responded the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," said the shepherd, "Put down my dog and I will tell you."
Two farmers meet up in a bar during a agricultural convention. One from PA the other from TX...
PA: Back home I got a 40 acre spread!
TX: Aw, heck you ain't got nothin' - why my spread in Texas is so big that I get in my pickup in the morning and I don't get to the other side of my ranch until the sun goes down!
PA: Yeah, I used to have a pickup truck like that....
If a cow laughed really hard.... would milk come out of her nose?
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all of my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," said the farmer. "But they sort of taste like chocolate."
On summer vacation, Josie and her son, James, went to visit Josie's Uncle Jon who owned a nice farm. While there, Uncle Jon was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, James, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.
Uncle Jon thought to himself: "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees' to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I'll just answer them as best I can."
After Uncle Jon finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to James and asked him: "Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?"
"Just one," the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"
A recently retired Nebraska farmer went to Dallas for the first vacation he had taken in his entire working life. He checked into a downtown hotel, but when he got to his room he immediately called the front desk. The farmer said, "This here bed kin sleep the whole Cornhuskers football team! I only wanted a regular-sized bed."
The clerk responded, "That is a regular size bed, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"
The farmer went to the hotel's bar and ordered a draught beer. When he was served, he said to the bartender, "This is as big as a milkin' pitcher. I only asked for a glass of beer!" The bartender answered, "That is a glass of beer, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"
When the waiter in the hotel's dining room brought out the steak the farmer ordered for dinner, the farmer exclaimed, "That steak's as big as my thigh, the baked potato's bigger 'n a watermelon, and this corn-on-a-cob's as big as a baseball bat! Where'd this come from?" The waiter replied, "It's all local, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"
When the waiter asked the farmer if he wanted to see the dessert menu, the farmer said he might be able to squeeze something in, but after consuming all that food and drink he needed to use the restroom first. The waiter directed him to go down the hall to the first door on the right.
By this time, the farmer was quite inebriated and mistakenly went through the first door on the left. He walked across the tiled floor and fell into the swimming pool. When the farmer came sputtering to the surface, he yelled out, "For gaud's sakes, please don't flush!"
A farmer brings home a new young rooster to replace the older rooster on the farm. He takes the new cock outback and turns him loose. The new rooster goes up to the older rooster and tells him, "You old man, are going to be supper because I'm here to take your place as the cock of the roost."
The old rooster said, "Hey young fella, you just can't come in here and take over like that not without a race." "A race?" asked the new rooster. "What kind of race?"
The old rooster told him, "A foot race." And at this, the new rooster laughed. He said, "Old man, I can beat you any day of the week even if I give you a head start. You're on."
The old rooster explained they would race around the hen house twice, but that he would get a head start. The new rooster agreed. The old rooster counted to three, and took off screaming and squawking the whole way. As he began around the first corner, the new rooster took off running as fast as he could, trying to catch up to the old rooster.
At that same time the farmer was watching from the back door. Seeing what was going on, he ran and grabbed his gun, ran out the back door, and shot the new rooster just before the new rooster caught the old one. The farmer went back in the house, and his wife asked what was going on.
The farmer replied, "I'm not sure, but that's the second gay rooster I bought this week."
Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.
Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.
"Those pills are too strong for me." the farmer thought, and he poured the rest into his well.
Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told him how he had disposed of the medication.
"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"
"No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He asks, "What on earth is that all about?"
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."
"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"
The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one-hundred dollars for his best bull."
Neighbor: "That's not I want."
Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."
Neighbor: "That's not I want."
Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."
Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."
Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what my father charges for Elmer."
Interviewer: "Congratulations on winning the lottery."
Farmer: "Thank you."
Interviewer: "Do you have any special plans for spending all of that money?"
Farmer: "Nope. Not really. I'm just gonna keep farming until the lottery money is all gone."
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams."
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold! It's like a completely different place - the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together."
"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone."
A farmer hitched up his team of horses to a big wagon and went out to collect a load of horse manure. On his way to the field where he was going to strew the manure, he had to go by an insane asylum.
One of the inmates was standing near the fence and he called to the farmer, "Hey, what are you going to do with all that manure?" The farmer replied that he was going to put it on his strawberries.
The inmate was aghast and said to the farmer, "You must be crazy. We put cream and sugar on ours."
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."
A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He gets out and tries to find something close by -- and comes upon a farm. Not believing his luck, he knocks on the door, and a farmer answers. "Sir," says the salesman. "Could you help me? My car's broken down, and I need a place to stay for the night."
"Sure," says the farmer. "But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there."
"Oh, crap," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong joke."
Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they'd break.
Q: Where did the sheep get its haircut?
A: The baa-baa shop
Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor?
A: It drove down the lane and turned into a field.
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed: "Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that," his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"
Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing!
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What", said Marge.
"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting one of his pigs up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another. The farmer repeated this with a second, then a third pig. "Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time? "Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"
The School of Agriculture's Dean of Admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in dairy farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in dairy farming?" echoed the impressed dean. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond when he spotted a bullfrog. He reached down and grabbed the frog and started to put him in his pocket when the bullfrog said,"Kiss me on the lips and I will turn into the most beautiful woman in the world." Again the old farmer started to put the frog in his pocket. The frog asked,"Didn't you hear what I said ?" The farmer looked at the frog and said," At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Two fellows came upon a mine shaft out in the hills. "How deep do you think it is?" asked one. "Gosh, I don't know," answered his pal. "Let's drop a stone in and listen for it to hit bottom." They did so and waited, but there was no sound. They found a larger rock and threw it in. Still nothing. A short distance away they spotted an old railroad tie. Each lifted an end, and with great difficulty they dropped it in. Still no sound! As they waited, a goat ran right between them and jumped into the hole. They were standing there scratching their heads when a farmer came along and asked, "Have you seen a goat?" "Well, yes, as a matter of fact," replied the first guy. "We just had a goat run past us and jump into that hole!" "Oh, it couldn't have been my goat," said the farmer. "Mine was tied to a railroad tie."
What do you get if you sit under a cow? A pat on the head!
What do you call a pig that took a plane? Swine flu!
What kind of doctor treats ducks? A quack!
What did the well mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate? After ewe!
Why did the ram fall over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn!
What do cows like to dance to? Any kind of moosic you like!
What do you get if you cross a steer with a tadpole? A bullfrog!
What drug was the duck on?
What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs? A pigtail!
Where do cows go on a Saturday night? To the moo-vies!
Why did the baby turkey bolt down his food? Because he was a little gobbler!
Why did the starstruck chicken cross the road? To see Gregory Peck!
What kind of tie does a pig wear? Pig's tie!
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road? Because she was afraid someone would caesar!
What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar!
"So, how did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, I was a strapping young fellow, and one spring night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, 'No, everything is fine.'
"'Are you sure?' she asked.
"'I'm sure,' I said.
"'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know.
"'I reckon not,' I replied."
"Excuse me," said the doctor. "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof."
Where does a woodsman keep his pigs? In a Hog cabin!
Once there was this "great" cattle fitter that died and went to Heaven. When he got to Heaven he noticed how beautiful and perfect everything was. Heaven had beautiful pastures and the most perfect cattle grazing in them. Well, he couldn't just sit around and do nothing with the cattle, so he went to God to ask him something. He said "God do you mind if I fit on the cattle a little?" God said "No I don't mind. You're in Heaven-you can do anything you wish.
"The fitter said thank you and started to walk away,and then decided to ask God another question. "God, after I get them fit, do you think we could have a Jackpot Show here in Heaven?" God said "Oh,no up here everything is perfect and everyone wins!" The fitter starts to walk away again and thinks of another question. "God, do you think we could have a jackpot show and ask the devil to bring his cattle up?" God thought this over and said, "I don't see why not. I will go and see if he'd like to come."
So God went down to hell to talk to the devil. "Devil", he said, "we would like to have a jackpot show-will you come?" The devil says, "I don't see why not. Will you take a look at my herd and tell me how they will fare?" So they go out to pasture to take a look. Of course, the pastures down in hell have hardly any grass and the cattle are skinny and scrawny with no hair and really should have been put out of their misery a long time ago. Well, upon seeing this, God turned to the devil and said, "I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but up in heaven we have the number one fitter and perfect cattle, so you probably won't be able to compete. Maybe the jackpot show isn't such a good idea. The devil listened to God and then answered, " I know your cattle and fitters are the best, but I think we will compete. I know the cattle aren't pretty to look at, but down here in hell WE HAVE ALL OF THE JUDGES!!!!!! "
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving for another ranch to check on the possibility of buying a bull, the brunette tells her sister, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, It's just 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word comfortable. The operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable? The brunette explains, My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it real slow. ( com-for-da-bull )
Why were the baby strawberries crying?
Their ma and pa were in a jam.
Why can't cows drive boats? Because they can't steer their udder.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
Q: What do you call a cow with only its two right legs?
A: Lean beef.
The old potato farmer was writing a letter to his son Bubba, who was wrongfully convicted of manslaughter and serving time in the state pen.
The old farmer wrote:
"Dear Bubba, we all sure miss you here on potato farm, it's just about Springtime and soon it will be time to plant the seed potatoes. I'm getting up in years now, and I have no one to help me turn the soil. I know if you were here, you would help. Hope everything is going okay for you.
Bubba received the letter and wrote back:
Everything is going ok, so far. I miss all of you too and wish there was something I could do to help, but PLEASE whatever you do DO NOT turn the soil in the potato field! That's where I buried the bodies!!!
A few days later the CSI team arrived on the farm and dug up the entire field. They were looking for the bodies that had never been recovered. They didn't turn up a single bone or body part.
A few days later, a letter arrived from Bubba:
I really wanted to help you turn the soil, but under the circumstances, this was the best I could do. Go ahead and plant your seed potatoes now.
What type of computer do baby calves always ask for? mmmmmaaaaaaaaac (mac)
A young man from Ireland called Seamus finds himself in dire trouble.
His farm has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the Church and begins to pray "God, please help me, I've lost my Farm and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Seamus goes back to the Church. "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my Farm, my house and I'm going to lose my tractor as well."
Lotto night comes and Seamus still has no luck!!
Back to the Church. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my Farm, my house, my tractor and my wife and 17 children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Seamus is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "Seamus, meet me half way on this one, buy a ticket."
"Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil, and you're a thousand miles from the corn field."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
A chicken walks into a bar , looks around and says to the barman "Sorry, wrong joke"
A fly was buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of crap.
A farmer rushed to his phone one day to report that his nearest neighbor's house was on fire. He promptly called 911 and, in the calmest voice he could muster, he reported the fire was at his neighbor's house two miles down the road. The dispatcher asked "How do we get there?" The farmer hesitated a few seconds then asked "Don't you guys have those big red trucks anymore?"
A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.
After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.
Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Lets see what the farmer has to say about this."
A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer - only now he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!"
A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "When am I going to get time to see the city?"
The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner.
A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the grocer. "Simple enough," was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six of hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn."
The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real diamond. "If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."
The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired: "How's that new hand o' your'n?" "Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand-he's a sore thumb."
The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally, the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable feature. He received the following reply: "We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be sure to come."
The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to all and sundry: "Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I haven't nothin' now."
An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection: "Seems like Elmiry's failin' drefful slow. Dinged if I don't wish as how she'd git well, or somethin'."
When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded her critically, and then demanded: "Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?" "Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds stripped for 'gym.'" The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted: "Who in thunder is Jim?"
The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the patent medicine: "Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"
The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly distressed, and reproached the farmer. "Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just beat him off, without killing him?" "I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the other end."
Successful Poultry Farmer: "You'd be surprised what a difference these
incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week."
Champion Dog Breeder: "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for them all?"
Neighbour: "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."
Farmer: "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was working the last week he was here."
A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business, but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer-that's what it is. Enough for an acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more, you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."
"What this country needs is more production."
"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."
It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground. "Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird? Will you swear to him?" "No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man I suspect o' doing it." "That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions?" "Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way-I see 'im on my property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide."
Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform. After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast. "Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat." "Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just before going to sleep."
The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer spoke savagely: "Dang yer hide, git up thar-or I'll drive smack over ye!"
The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was instructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid and the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned. "I can't understand," the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "why you should want to leave." "I'm through," the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an' never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o' hens."
The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewd reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on the road:
"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"
"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an' when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to myself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"
At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly. "Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Eliza died, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, it's the fourth time. An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull time a-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back."
The raw worker was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting: "Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"
A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse-in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"
A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his
employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,
"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."
"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."
The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."
"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for all the parritch I have."
A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:
"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like
"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"
"I do," said the laird.
"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an' that the empty yins stand up."
A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter: "Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."
A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his money in town and spends it on the farm.
In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the cultivators of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light rains that during the growing season fall from time to time, are appreciated to a degree that is unknown in the east.
Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his hired man came into the house.
"Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the fruit-man.
"I don't mind a little dew like this," said the man. "I can work along just the same."
"Oh, I'm not talking about that," exclaimed the fruit-man. "The next time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water on the land."
They used to have a farming rule
Of forty acres and a mule.
Results were won by later men
With forty square feet and a hen.
And nowadays success we see
With forty inches and a bee.
Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of it.--_Charles Dudley Warner_.
"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed," said the visitor.
"That goes to show," replied Farmer Corntassel, "how little you reformers understand local conditions. I've purty nigh paid off a mortgage with the money I made haulin' automobiles out o' that mud-hole."
A farmer returning home late at night, found a man standing beside the house with a lighted lantern in his hand. "What are you doing here?" he asked, savagely, suspecting he had caught a criminal. For answer came a chuckle, and--"It's only mee, zur."
The farmer recognized John, his shepherd.
"It's you, John, is it? What on earth are you doing here this time o' night?"
Another chuckle. "I'm a-coortin' Ann, zur."
"And so you've come courting with a lantern, you fool. Why I never took a lantern when I courted your mistress."
"No, zur, you didn't, zur," John chuckled. "We can all zee you didn't, zur."
Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, hired him to drive her to the various points of interest around the country. He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving such items of information as he possessed.
The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be necessary for you to talk."
When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked "Extra."
"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item.
"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, but when I do I charge for it."
Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one:
"My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big that when he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cows he kisses us all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the following Saturday."
"Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked.
"Because the barn is so far away from the house."
"Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to my father's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger than a city lot!"
"Why, how big is your father's farm?"
"Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couples out to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought back by their grandchildren."
A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town. It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work had been started, and seeing a man in the doorway, called to him:
"What be ye doin' in this place?"
"We are searching for a universal solvent--something that will dissolve all things," said the chemist.
"What good will thet be?"
"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a solution of iron, glass, gold--anything, all that we have to do is to drop it in this solution."
"Fine," said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it in?"
A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering his fields. The very first day while he was trying it there suddenly came a downpour of rain. He put away his machine.
"It's no use," he said; "You can't do nothing nowadays without competition."
Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping tour through New England. He discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside rock.
"Fine corn," said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, using a hillside filled with straggling stalks as a means of breaking the conversational ice.
"Best in Massachusetts," said the sitter.
"How do you plow that field?" asked Mr. Bacheller. "It is so very steep."
"Don't plow it," said the sitter. "When the spring thaws come, the rocks rolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant corn."
"And how do you plant it?" asked Mr. Bacheller. The sitter said that he didn't plant it, really. He stood in his back door and shot the seed in with a shotgun.
"Is that the truth?" asked Bacheller.
"H--ll no," said the sitter, disgusted. "That's conversation."
Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited.
"Oh, Cousin John, what is that?" he asked.
"Why, that is only a cow," John replied.
"And what are those things on her head?"
"Horns," answered John.
Before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud.
Willie was astounded. Looking back, he demanded, in a very fever of interest:
"Which horn did she blow?"
A catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer finally found its way to a distant mountain village where it was evidently welcomed with interest. The firm received a carefully written, if somewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern "cracker" asking further particulars about one of the listed articles.
To this, in the usual course of business, was sent a type-written answer. Almost by return mail came a reply:
"You fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart, and you need not print your letters to me. I can read writing."
There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills that surrounded the skating pond.
A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a large black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with chattering teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water.
The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to the edge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said:
"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out."
"No, I can't swim," was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to me. Hurry up. It's cold in here."
"I ain't got no rope," said the farmer; and he added angrily. "What if you can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up to your shoulders."
"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet deep if it's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice!"
Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines.
Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out! The fire department's coming."
Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage wagon and engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street again and drove on. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder came tearing along. The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the farmer's buggy, smashing it to smithereens and sending the farmer sprawling into the gutter. The policeman ran to his assistance.
"Didn't I tell ye to keep out of the way?" he demanded crossly. "Didn't I tell ye the fire department was comin"?"
"Wall, consarn ye," said the peeved farmer, "I _did_ git outer the way for th' fire department. But what in tarnation was them drunken painters in sech an all-fired hurry fer?"
"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came to measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found them nearly two barrels short?"
"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your own flour-barrels."
"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let's imbibe."
A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with his horse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and then stop again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting it started. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously:
"Is your horse sick?"
"Not as I knows of."
"Is he balky?"
"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, that he stops every once in a while to listen."
Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door.
As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down his collar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel the stream of water coursing down his back. Another spell of pounding, and finally the red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window.
"Watcher want?" it asked.
"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler answered testily.
The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering.
"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the window.
A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out.
"What'll ye pay?" asked Si.
"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer.
Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:
"I'll be _durned_ if I'll work for that!"
The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his medicine case, gave the animal some powders. The mule switched his tail, tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road. The farmer looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor.
"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked.
"Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician.
"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. "I've got to catch that mule."
"Our whole neighborhood has been stirred up," said the regular reader.
The editor of the country weekly seized his pen. "Tell me about it," he said. "What we want is news. What stirred it up?"
"Plowing," said the farmer.
Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent around the Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on the floor, conducted him to the Senate gallery.
After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery door-keeper and said: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He brought me here and I want to go out and look around a bit. I thought I would tell you so I can get back in."
"That's all right," said the doorkeeper, "but I may not be here when you return. In order to prevent any mistake I will give you the password so you can get your seat again."
Swate's eyes rather popped out at this. "What's the word?" he asked.
"I guess I'll stay in," said Swate.
An Episcopal clergyman who was passing his vacation in a remote country district met an old farmer who declared that he was a "'Piscopal."
"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman.
"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish," was the answer.
"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question.
"Nobody," answered the farmer.
"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman.
"Well," was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winter I went to church, an' it was called 'Piscopal, an' I heerd them say that they left undone the things what they'd oughter done and they'd done some things what they oughtenter done, and I says to myself says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly,' and ever sence then I've been a 'Piscopalian."
On one of the southern railroads there is a station-building that is commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station in America. It is of this station that the story is told that an old farmer was expecting a chicken-house to arrive there, and he sent one of his hands, a new-comer, to fetch it. Arriving there the man saw the house, loaded it on to his wagon and started for home. On the way he met a man in uniform with the words "Station Agent" on his cap.
"Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?" he asked.
"My chicken-house, of course," was the reply.
"Chicken-house be jiggered!" exploded the official. "That's the station!"
A middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the Grand Central Station in New York the other day.
"Young man," he said, plucking his sleeve, "I wanter go to Central Park."
The youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment.
"Well," he said finally, "you may just this once. But I don't want you ever, _ever_ to ask me again."
FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going to rain, ye know."
MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o' such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatis for?"
An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was entertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise and elation.
While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant her distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him. It was "My Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do try that," "Take a piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was nearly finished.
The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, during a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach the pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mother said:
"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle."
Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked how she stood on the vote for women question. She replied she didn't "stand at all," and told a story about a New England farmer's wife who had no very romantic ideas about the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from churn to sink, from sink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wanted to vote. "No, I certainly don't! I say if there's one little thing that the men folks can do alone, for goodness sakes let 'em do it!" she replied.
Deacon Blank of the town of Lee, owned a large farm and hired, among other hands, a man by the name of Jacob. The deacon had bargained that Jacob should have bread and milk for supper every night, but took good care that the milk was first carefully skimmed, the cream for the cream pot, and the skim milk for Jake. Jacob ate his bread and blue milk three evenings without a murmur. The next morning the deacon was awakened by a great commotion in the barnyard. Looking out he saw Jacob hanging to his best Jersey's tail with one hand, while with the other he belabored her with a beanpole as she flew around the inclosure. "There, gol dang you,"said Jake, "don't you ever dare to give another drop of skim milk as long as you live !" And the deacon took good care that she didn't.
An illiterate farmer wishing to enter some animals at an agricultural exhibition, wrote as follows to the secretary of the society : " Also enter me for the best jackass. I am sure of getting the prize."
A farmer was lately asked by the minister how it was that, when he preached, the farmer always fell asleep; but when a stranger preached, he was all attention. The farmer replied, "Why, sir, when ye preaches, I know aw's right; but when a stranger comes, I canna trust him, and so I keeps a good look out."
A country farmer told a friend of his, who had come from town for a few days' shooting, that he once had so excellent a gun that it went off immediately upon a thief coming into the house, although not charged. "How the deuce is that?" said his friend. "Why," replied the farmer, "because the thief carried it off; and, what was worse, before I had time to charge him with it."
Farmer B- was sitting in a country church. He had been working hard in the harvest field; hands were scarce, and farmer B was dozing. The loud tones of the minister failed to arouse the farmer, until at length the good man closed the lids of the Bible, and concluded as follows: "Indeed, my hearers, the harvest is plenteous and the labourers are few." "Yes," exclaimed farmer B, "I've offered four shillings a day for reapers, and can't get them at that."
At a concert recently, at the conclusion of the song, "There's a Good Time Coming," a country farmer got up and exclaimed, "Mister, you couldn't fix the date, could you ?"
A farmer, in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, was thus accosted by his landlord: "John, I am going to raise your rent." John replied, "Sir, I am greatly obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself."
A farm was lately advertised in a Yankee newspaper, in which all the beauty of the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were detailed in the richest glow of rural description, and which was further enhanced with this N. B.: There is not an attorney within fifteen miles of the neighbourhood.
Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is." The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail. She says, "This is the one, right here." The man says, "How do you know?" Amy says, "By the nail over its stall." The man says, "What's the nail for?" Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers.." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
Political Science for Dummies
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch s bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Enough of that crap . .. . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am.
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?" Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale." The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches." So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?" The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches." She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease. The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?" The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?" The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?" The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A Milking farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly discovered that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual, but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
A family of three, during the late 1800's resided a few miles from a small prairie town. Occasionally, they'd go to town to get needed supplies. One afternoon the father hitched the buck-board with a team of horses for such a purpose; taking the daughter with him and leaving mom at home to tend the farm. About halfway along their trip they were held-up at gun point, by a gang of robbers. The robbers demanded them off the wagon and asked them for all their money. The poor farmer replied, "We don't have any money, we do our business in town on credit". One of the robbers demanded the two to remove their clothing and told one of the gang members to search their clothing and the wagon. To no avail were the robbers able to find any money. So they decided to take the wagon with the team of horses; leaving the father and daughter standing stark naked alone on the prairie. The father looked over at his daughter with a puzzled look and asked. What did you do with all the money? She said, "I put it up my snatch". The father replied, "Damn, too bad Ma wasn't here, we could have saved the whole team and wagon".
A farmer sent his 18 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck. "See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said. In town, the lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to..." "Sure," she said. "I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck." Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for an 18 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck." "Sure," said the boy. When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2. When the lad returned home, his father asked, "Well, how did you make out?" His son replied, "Heck, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck!"
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "What is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl? "Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year." He replies: "Good enough."
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their 'nooner': it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. 'Homer,' said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.' They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. 'What's wrong?' asked the Doc. 'Didn't my idea work?' 'Oh, it worked good,' said Homer. 'whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again.' 'Good, Homer. So what's the problem?' asked the Doc. 'Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started'
A farmer finds his son behind the barn pulling his pud, and the old man exclaims, "Son, if you are old enough to do that, then you are old enough to get married." The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbor's daughter. The two are soon married and move in with the groom's father. The next morning, the farmer goes behind the barn again and discovers his son flailing away, just as before. "Son, I got you married so you wouldn't have to do that!"
"Ah, pa, she ain't got no grip at all..."
Seems a guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madam, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like this" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"
A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?"
The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."
So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."
The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!"
The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each."
Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"
The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."
The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."
The farmer says "You got it."
The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each."
The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"
The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."
The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit."
The farmer says, "Turn it around!"
Two farmers met on the road one day and began talking.
"My wife is always into these new ideas she hears being advertised," one farmer told the other. "Now she wants to get 'pet insurance' for our cats. Can you believe that?"
"I've heard of that," the other farmer replies.
"Sounds like just another thing to waste money on," the first farmer added.
"How many cats do you have?" the second farmer asked.
"Two," the first replied. "Why?"
"Tell your wife I'll give you double coverage insurance on those two cats at no cost," the second farmer offered.
"Wow, that's great!" the first farmer replied, "But how can you provide that? Especially double coverage and at no cost."
"Simple," the second farmer explains. "If anything happens to your two cats, I've got four more out in the barn you can replace them with!"
A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.
The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287.
He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."
The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his congregation when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard.
"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster you have there," the minister commented.
"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud -- one of his daughters has just entered the ministry!"
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."
A farmer was out plowing one day, when his son ran up to the tractor excitedly.
"Daddy, there's some preacher come to visit, and Momma wants you to come in and meet him" The farmer said "Son, I have to finish here, but I need your help. Go back inside and tell mom that I'll be there in a little while; find out which preacher it is; and do this:
If it's the Catholic priest, hide the bottle of wine, he'll drink it all if you don't.
If it's the Lutheran minister, hide the cookie jar with Momma's butter and egg money in it, he'll talk her out of all of it.
And if it's the Baptist preacher, you sit on Momma's lap until I get there!"
An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors. Every time one broke down or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
Eventually it came time for him to retire, and, since he had grown tired of tractors, he decided to sell off his massive collection. So he put advertisements in local and national papers and waited.
He didn't have long to wait. A few days later, he received a letter from a businessman whose company had built many of the tractors mentioned in the ad and who had an interest in old vehicles himself.
After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer'slocal tavern.
The businessman arrived on the appointed date and went into the tavern. He soon located the farmer, despite the very heavy clouds of pipe smoke in the air. An hour passed in most pleasant conversation, as the pair turned out to have much in common.
"Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?"
"Sure," replied the businessman, "but maybe we could go somewhere else. I find it very hard to concentrate with this much smoke in the air."
"There's no need for that," said the farmer, "watch this."
He proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.
"Hey, how did you manage that?" gasped the businessman.
"Oh, it was nothing," replied the farmer. "You see now I'm an ex-tractor fan."
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
Many years ago in a small Indian village, A farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The Moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter. So he proposed a bargain.
He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal.
So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter. He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would Have to pick one pebble from the bag.
1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.
2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.
3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into Jail.
They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As They talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag.
He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.
The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."
Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
A man owned a small farm in Iowa. The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night?
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night."
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.
When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
A solicitor from Dublin, while hunting in the West, brought down a fowl which landed in a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the wall to retrieve the bird, the elderly owner appeared asking what he was doing. The litigator replied, "I shot that bird y'see lyin there, and now I'm about to pick it up."
The old man answered, "This is my property yer crossin into, and I'm tellin you, yer not coming over."
The indignant attorney said, "I'll have you know that I'm one of the best solicitors in all of Ireland, and if you don't let me retrieve my bird, I'll take ye to court for everything y'own!"
The old farmer looked him over and said, "Well now, being as how you're not from around here, you don't know how we settle things like this. Y'see now, here we use the three-kick method."
"And what would that be?", asked the lawyer. The farmer said, "First I kick you three times and then you do the same to me, and back and forth like that till one or the other gives up."
The attorney thought this over, and quickly decided he could easily take the old codger, and agreed to the local custom. The old farmer walked slowly over to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy boot in the solicitor's groin dropping him to his knees. The second blow nearly wiped the lawyers nose off his face. The attorney was flat on the ground when the farmer's third kick to the kidney almost finished him.
The lawyer dug deep for his every bit of will, dragged himself standing, and said, "Okay you old bugger, now it's my turn. The old farmer just smiled and said, "Naw I believe I'll give up now. You can have the bird."
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.
The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.
While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"
A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough,the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!!"
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope until a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do that."
In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
A Montana sheep farmer was driving down the road outside of Billings one day when a State Trooper pulls him over and says, "Hey buddy, you know you just made a U-turn"?
The farmer replies, "I did? I know sometimes I make their eyes roll."
On his honeymoon, a very thick redneck farmer, Billy Joe, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with a balcony overlooking the sea.
On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.
"Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.
"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.
So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Billy Joe once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Daisy grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.
In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.
"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.
"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farmhand was and she repied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"
Henry's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, they were required to sleep together.
When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.
Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus.
"Ma's gonna be mad", said Henry, "The pot's on this side."
A farmer passed away and left seventeen mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth.
The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions began to argue. Their uncle Earl heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. Uncle Earl added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or 9, the second oldest got one-third, or 6, and the youngest got one- ninth, or 2. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. Then uncle Earl, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
Uncle Earl is an occasional consultant to Arthur Andersen.
Many years ago a farmer couple gave birth to a son. They named him "Odd."
When Odd began going to school all of his classmates teased him because of his name. He finally graduated and got a factory job, and once again all of his co-workers would poke fun at his name. Finally, he got married and lived and worked a farm, since he could not take being around people teasing him about his name.
When he became 50 years old, he told his wife that he was fed up from going through life with his name. He told her when he died that would end it. No one would ever make fun of him again.
He requested that his wife not put his name on his headstone, only the date he was born and the date he died.
About 20 years later the poor farmer died.
His wife wanted to honor his wishes and purchased his headstone with no name engraved; just the date he was born and the date he died.
Today when mourners visit the cemetery, they walk by and look at his headstone and see there is no name on the headstone, then they always say, "Isn't that Odd?"
One day, farmer Williams was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home?
The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"
The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A boy that lives on a farm is awakened by his mother early in the morning on the weekend. She tells him he won't get breakfast until he does his chores. One of his chores involves feeding all the animals. While he was feeding the animals he takes out his aggression on some of them. He kicks a chicken, a cow, and a pig. When he finished his chores his mother just gives him a bowl of dry cereal. When he asks why, his mother tells him that he didn't get any milk because he kicked the cow. He didn't get any eggs because he kicked the chicken and he didn't get bacon because he kicked the pig. Right then his father comes in and kicks the cat. The boy looks at his mother and says "Would you like to tell him or should I?"
A "city-boy" ventured out and bought himself a farm-house. He needed some animals for the farm and inquired at the neighbor's place. The old farmer agreed to sell some animals and the two walked through the yard. The city-boy pointed and asked, "What kind of animal is that?" "Well," said the farmer, "that is a cock, which you city folks call a rooster." "Ok, I'll take one of them," said the city boy. He pointed to another animal, and the farmer told him, "That one is a pullet, or what you call a chicken." "I'll take it," said the city boy. "You will also need a hard working animal to help you with the chores, so I'll sell you this ass, or mule." The city-boy agreed. "The mule might give you problems being stubborn 'n all and lie down on you," informed the farmer. "If you scratch his belly really good, he'll get up." As the city- boy is heading home, a beautiful girl is approaching. All of a sudden, the mule lies down and refuses to move. The girl hurries over and asks if she can help. "Yeah," exclaimed the city-boy, "You can grab my cock & pullet while I reach around and scratch my ass."
A ventriloquist cowboy took a walk in the country and saw a rancher sitting on
his porch with his dog.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Rancher: (Look of extreme shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?"
Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Rancher: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to talk)......"Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars, every darned one of 'em!!!!"
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But, Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!" But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy." "Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatos won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see." Well, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so," she answers. "The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."
There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck..." And the farmer shot him.
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.
"He said the reflector is broken." replied the Amish lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband.
The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake."
A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the hay crop to fertilize it. The kid says, "Hey, Pop - I learned in college that there is an easier way to do everything."
They go into town and get some dynamite. They're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the manure into the hay field. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. Ba-Booom!
The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She lands in the hay field. They go running up to her. "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?"
She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Phew! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"
So, there they are, out in the country, and Ma walks in and says, "Jethro, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
He says, "All right, Ma." Jethro walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Ma, there ain't nothin' WRONG with this here OUTHOUSE!"
She says, "Put your head down in the hole."
He puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Ma, there ain't nothin' WRONG with this here OUTHOUSE!"
Jethro goes to lift up his head and he says, "Ow! OUCH! Ma! MA, my beard is stuck."
Ma says, "Aggravatin', ain't it."
A farmer has a space ship land on his property and aliens get out. They say they are stuck and can't leave until the next day. The farmer invites the alien and his wife to stay as their guests for the night. The alien says, "Thanks. But the custom where they come from is to have guests exchange wives." The farmer says okay and asks his wife, who also agrees.
That night the wife is in the bedroom with the alien. When he gets undressed and into bed, she looks at his penis and tells him that it looks pretty tiny. He says, "No problem," and pulls on his ear. The penis gets longer.
She looks at it again and says, "That's pretty skinny." Again, he pulls on his ear and it gets fatter. She enjoys the rest of the night.
The next morning, after the aliens leave, she tells her husband how enjoyable the night had been. He says, "It was lousy for me. She kept pulling on my ears all night."
A shapely farm girl waited on customers at the rural Mom and Pop grocery store. She was a perpetual draw of the young teenage boys in the town, not because of her beauty, but because she always wore a mini-skirt and no underwear.
Every day the boys would step up to the counter and ask for items that were on the top-most shelf in front of them. The young beauty would climb the 8-foot ladder behind the counter, then stretch as far as she could reach to retrieve the merchandise. The bulging-eyed boys would ogle the bare-bottomed delight and leave with their purchase and a bulge in their pants.
The young girl got tired of climbing the ladder for every boy who came into the store and tried rearranging the stock by putting slow-moving items on the top shelf, to no avail. No matter what she put on the top shelf, that was the most popular item of the day!
One Saturday, she was waiting on two young boys and an old farmer who had come to town for his weekly groceries. The first boy asked for a loaf of raisin bread, which of course, was perched on the top shelf. She climbed the ladder, stretched upward, exposing herself in the process, plucked the bread from the shelf and descended the ladder. The second youngster wanted, of all things, a loaf of raisin bread. The girl again climbed the ladder and retrieved a second loaf.
Pausing before she descended and wanting to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she turned to the elderly gent and asked, "Is yours raisin too?" He drawled a response, "Naw, but it's a twitchin' a mite!"
There was once a farmer who had a wife and three sons. They had one cow that supported them all. It was a special cow; it gave the best milk in the world. The cow was their only source of income.
One day, the farmer woke up and went out to the field to milk the cow. When he got there, he found the cow lying dead in the pasture, so he took a pitchfork and he killed himself with it. Then his wife woke up and found her husband and the cow dead in the field, so she took the same pitchfork, and she killed herself with it.
Then the oldest son woke up (22 years old), and found everyone dead. So he went down to the bridge and he was about to jump off when a mermaid appeared. The mermaid asked him what was wrong, so he told her about the cow and his parents.
She said that she could bring them all back to life under one condition: If he had sex with her 30 times. It sounded like a lot, but he agreed to it anyway. After about 15 times, he just passed out from exhaustion. The mermaid got really mad, and strangled him to death, and he washed up on the shore of the farm.
Then the middle son woke up (18 years old, a little more spry and athletic) and found everyone dead. He went down to the bridge, and found the mermaid. They made the same deal. After 25 times, he passed out and she strangled him.
Then the youngest son woke up (14 and in his prime state of horniness). He, too, found everyone dead, and went down to the bridge to kill himself and met the mermaid. She, once again, asked him to have sex with her 30 times in return for his familys and cow's lives.
The youngest son asked, "Why not 40? No, 50!"
The mermaid exclaimed, "How about 60? Or, 70!"
He said, "80! 90! 100!" She said, "110! 120!"
Then he said, "Wait a second . . . What if you die, just like the cow did?"
Three guys were driving down a country road when their car broke down. Luckily, they were near a farm. They went to the farmer, and asked if they could spend the night there, while the tow truck came. The farmer said, "Fine, but I better not catch any of you fooling around with my beautiful daughter." To insure this the farmer secretly shoved a razor blade up his daughter's p**sy.
At night, the first guy sneaked out of his bed and screwed the daughter. Then the second guy sneaked out and screwed her. And then, so did the third.
The next day when the three guys were going to leave, the farmer told them to pull down there pants. They all did. The farmer looked down at the first guy and saw his dick chopped up and said, "You screwed my daughter you bastard." Then he looked down at the second guy, saw his dick chopped up, and said, "You screwed my daughter you bastard."
Then he saw that the third guy's dick was fine and said, "You can come and stay here whenever you'd like." The third guy replied, "Tank oou very mut."
When we were looking to buy property, I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds on the property were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree. But, couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a leak. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and says, "Boy, I would sure like to have some of THAT!"
He says, "Well, you'd best run get you a cup. I'm 'bout through."
A farmer and his young bride lived rather far out in the country. The preacher would stop by, and of course, they would invite him in for a chicken dinner.
This went on and on. The preacher was there almost every day, but the farmer had to go out in the fields to work, so the preacher would stay with the young bride. Every time that he came over, the young wife would have the farmer kill a chicken for dinner.
After a particularly hard day's work, the farmer was driving the tractor into the barn. The young bride stepped out on the porch and hollered at him to get her a chicken, so that she could cook one for the preacher. The farmer hollered, "Screw the preacher!"
To which the young bride replied, "I already did, but I still need the chicken."
A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin."
"Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!"
A young ventriloquist is touring through the southern United States and stops to entertain at a small bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes. We ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee."
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, and they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot! It cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell."
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from a nearby town was called to put out the fire. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt they could be of any assistance, the call was made.
Five minutes later, the volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon, they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two, easily controllable parts.
The farmer was impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared. The next day he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," responded the captain. "The first thing we're gonna do is get them damn brakes fixed on that there fire truck."
Dick, Willy, and Mickey Scratcher were walking along a road when Dick looks at his watch and realizes that it is getting very late and that they should go home. But it is too dark so they decide to rest in a place they like and meet up in the morning. Well Dick sees a stable and decides he will spend the night in there.
But Willy and Mickey decide to continue on and look for a better place. Willy sees an old barn and decides to rest in there as it is warm and does not seem to have any animals except for a few cows.
Well it is getting darker when Mickey sees a house up ahead. He walks up to the door and knocks on it. A man answers. "Do you have a room?" Mickey asks.
"I have no other room except for mine and the room where my seven daughters sleep," he replies. So they settle on a price and Mickey is allowed to stay the night. The next morning Dick, Willy, and Mickey meet up.
"I slept like a horse in a stable, "Dick says. "I slept like a cow in a barn, "Willy says. And Mickey says, "I slept like a mouse, going from hole to hole."
A traveling salesman stops at a hillbilly farmhouse to sell some wares. While he's there a fierce storm comes up, and the farmer invites him to spend the night.
However, as there wasn't a spare bedroom. The salesman would have to sleep in the same room as the farmer's daughter, on the condition that if any hanky- panky went on and if the daughter got pregnant, the salesman would have to marry her.
The salesman eyes the daughter, who has the body of a goddess but the head of a fish, and figures out that he's being set up for a shotgun wedding. But he didn't want to brave the night's storm, so he agreed to the farmer's terms.
The next morning, the family is sitting around the breakfast table. The father asks the daughter, "Did he do it last night, girl?"
"Sure did, Pa."
"Excellent!" says the father. "If it's a boy, we'll call him Jed." "And if it's a girl," says the mother, "we'll call her Mae."
About that time the salesman came into the room holding a condom and grinning. "Well," he says, "if the little bastard gets out of this, we'll call him Houdini."
Now that their children are all grown and have started lives of their own, the farmer and his wife decide to sell the old homestead and move to Florida. A real estate developer, interested in purchasing the property and building condominiums and a golf course on the land, meets with the farmer to settle the deal.
"Now son, I'm giving you a very fair price for the land, but I have two requests to make," said the farmer.
"Okay, shoot." replied the developer.
"Well, my family has owned this land for over 100 years, and some things carry a lot of sentimental value. It would mean a lot to me to be able to come back here for a visit before I die and be able to reminisce a little bit."
"What do you mean?" said the developer.
"First off, do you see that tree over there, fifty yards from the fence? As part of the deal, you have to promise not to move or cut it down."
"Why is that?" "Well, I got my first piece of ass under that tree."
"Oh, sure, I understand. No problem. What is your second request?"
"Do ya' see that tree about 25 feet south of the first one? That one has to stay, too."
"Well, Okay. How come?"
"Well, that's where her mother stood on that special day."
"Her MOTHER was THERE? That's incredible! What did she say?"
There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse'."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse."
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"
A visitor to a bed-and-breakfast inn in the country awoke early one morning to find the farmer and his family still asleep. Slightly irritated at not having his breakfast even begun yet, he took a glass and went out to the barn to try his hand at milking the cow himself.
Later on his way back into the house, he met the farmer and his wife who had just come downstairs to begin the day's work. "What cha doin' out in my barn, fella?" the farmer demanded.
The visitor replied, "Well, I woke up at 8 o'clock and you were still asleep, and breakfast wasn't ready, so I thought I would go out and milk the cow myself. It took longer than I thought it would, but after a few minutes she finally filled the glass all at one time." He then took a long drink from his glass and asked, "Say, what kind of cow is that, anyway?"
"We don't have a cow, son." the farmer replied. "We have a bull."
This farmer had a sick cat and called the Vet in town to see what could be done for it. The Vet asked the farmer what the problem was. After being told, the Vet told the farmer to give it a pint of castor oil.
The farmer asked, "A whole pint?" The Vet replied, "Sure that'll fix it right up."
The next day the Vet saw the farmer in town and asked him how the sick calf was getting along. "You fool!" the farmer exclaimed, "That wasn't a calf. It was a cat."
The Vet said, "Oh my goodness! Did you give it the whole pint of castor oil?" "Sure did," the farmer replied.
"What happened? Where is the cat now?" asked the Vet.
The farmer pointing said, "The last time I saw that cat, he was going over yonder on that hill with five others. Two were digging, two were covering up, and one was scouting for new territory."
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow. "What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
A man that lives on a farm wakes up and goes outside to find a man screwing one of his sheep and a little boy watching. He walks up to the boy and says "Who's that screwing my sheep?" The boy replies, "That's my Daaaaaaaad."
A Modern Retelling of the Travelling Salesman and the Farmer's Daughter:
A salesman's car breaks down in the pouring rain outside a farmhouse. The salesman bangs on the farmhouse door. The next morning, the farmer's daughter wakes up to find her father in bed with the salesman. She shoots them both and takes off in the salesman's car.
She assumes the salesman's identity and meets all of his quotas.
A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again. "Mom's weighing the mailman."
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the patrons gawk as the cowboy kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he was having no luck at all. Then he heard a voice, ''If you build it they will come.'' He thought nothing of it at first but then he heard it again, ''If you build it they will come.'' So the farmer thought and thought, prayed and prayed, until finally, he knew what to do. A few months later he completed construction of his new strip club!
My First Time
The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
Just her and I.
Her hair so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran me fingers,
down her spine.
I didnt know how,
I tried my best,
To touch her breast.
I remembered my fear,
But slowly she spread,
Her legs apart,
And when she did,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
The white stuff came out!
At last. It's finished.
It's all over...
My first time,
Milking a cow.
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to screw his wife -- but he always got soft before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen. "No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!"
"I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house."
Q: What did the farmer use to make crop circles?
A: A Protractor
What's the best part of gardening?
Getting down and dirty with my hoes
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When thier kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farners encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want thier children dating anymore. The boy's father asked, "Why not?" The other farmer said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow.
The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff."
The other farmer said, "You think I don't know my own daughter's handwriting?"
Farmer: I've got a bull that's right off its duties. It's got to service 300 cows and all it wants to do is eat.
Vet: Give it one of these little pills in its feed and stand back.
So 2 weeks later the farmer comes back to the vet:
Farmer: WOW, what a pill! I gave the pill to the bull like you said and POW! It jumped over the gate, ran down the lane and serviced 70 cows in 30 minutes.
Vet: So, what's the problem - why have you come back?
Farmer: Well, I was wondering, I am meeting this 18-year-old tonight - could you give me one of those tablets? I'm not as young as I was.
Vet: Oh, no! Sorry, it's too strong but I will give you a quarter of a pill.
So the farmer takes the pill and goes off to prepare for his date.
Several days later, the farmer goes back to the vet.
Farmer: Hello, vet. Wonderful. 40 Times.
Vet: So, why have you come back? Farmer: Ah! I need something for my wrist - she never showed up.
What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel? Lumpy milkshakes!
What is the definition of a goose? An animal that grows down as it grows up!
Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep? She had a crook with her!
What do you give a pony with a cold? Cough Stirrup!
What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on? A horse!
What happens when geese land in a volcano? They cook their own gooses!
What do you call a pig with no clothes on? Streaky bacon!
What is a horse's favorite sport? Stable tennis!
What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk? An udder failure!
What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment!
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!
Why did the pig go to the casino? To play the slop machine!
What is a pig's favorite ballet? Swine Lake!
What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog? Pooched eggs!
How do you stop a rooster crowing on Sunday? Eat him on Saturday!
Why did the foal cough? Because he was a little horse!
What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo? Cock-a-doodle-don't!
What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour? Leave it inside the cow!
Where do milkshakes come from? Excited cows!
What is a cow's favorite TV show? Dr Moo!
Why was the farmer hopping mad? Because someone had trodden on his corn!
What would happen if bulls could fly? You would have to carry an umbrella all the time and beef would go up!
What do you get if a sheep walks under a cloud? A sheep that's under the weather!
Why do cows like being told jokes? Because they like being amoosed!
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'? A flock of chickens in a field full of balloons!
What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig? A groundhog!
How do you take a pig to hospital? By hambulance!
What do you call a joke book for chickens? A yolk book!
Where do you take sick ponies? To the horsepital!
What do you say if you see a flying pig? 'I see bacon's going up'!
Who tells chicken jokes? Comedihens!
What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes? A swine gut!
Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground? To get to the other side!
What did the lovesick bull say to the cow? 'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'!
Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air? Because eggs were going up!
What do you call a sheep with no legs or head? A cloud!
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken? An egg-splosion!
Where does a woodsman keep his pigs? In a hog cabin!
Why do pigs never recover from illness? Because you have to kill them before you cure them!
What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving? A road hog!
What do you call sheep that live together? Pen friends!
What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit? An egg!
What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows? Udder nonsense!
What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle? Use a cowculator!
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange? 'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!
What's a cows favorite vegetable? A cowat!
What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs? A pigtail!
Where do cows go on a Saturday night? To the moo-vies!
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have? Plenty of milk!
Why did the baby turkey bolt down his food? Because he was a little gobbler!
Why did the starstruck chicken cross the road? To see Gregory Peck!
What kind of tie does a pig wear? Pig's tie!
What is another name for a cow? A lawn-mooer!
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road? Because she was afraid someone would caesar!
What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar!
Why did the dirty chicken cross the road? For some fowl purpose!
How do sheep keep warm in winter? Central bleating!
How do chickens dance? Chick to chick!
What do you call a crazy chicken? A cuckoo-cluck!
What do you call a bull who tells jokes? Laugh-a-bull!
What is a duck's favorite dance? The quackstep!
Which dance will a chicken not do? The foxtrot!
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A woolly jumper!
Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice? Because he was a dirty double crosser!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus? A cow that can milk itself!
Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'? Because he kept running out of the pen!
What do you get from an Alaskan cow? Cold cream!
What game do cows play at parties? Moosical chairs!
Why was the lamb told off for being rude? He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum!
Then there was the farmer who took up the piano.
He injured his back.
It had rained heavily every day during the farmhouse holidaymakers' stay. They sat in the farmhouse looking miserably out at the falling torrents. The
farmer passed by outside bearing planks to build an outhouse.
'Oh look! the farmer is carrying a load of planks. What is he going to build?' asked little David.
The disgruntled father replied, 'An ark, most likely.'
The holidaymakers couldn't but remark on the constant prattle of the farmer's wife. Nobody could get a word in edgeways when she was about. Towards the end of the holiday the farmer confided in his guest and told him that there was an estrangement between himself and his wife. 'As a matter of fact,' he said, 'I haven't spoken to her for six years.' 'Don't worry,' said the guest, "You might get a chance soon.'
Guest: 'Foggy morning.'
Farmer: 'Aye DEW think it will be MIST when the sun rises.'
Farmer (To newly arrived holidaymakers): "So you're an undertaker! But you said in your letter that you were a doctor.' Guest: 'I didn't say that. I said that I followed the medical profession.'
They were coming from Sunday Mass and saw the Television Comany's outside broadcasting van outside the Parish Priest's house. The Parish Priest was a distinguished man of letters.
First Farmer: "What are they doing in the Parish Priest's house?'
Second Farmer: 'They're taking his life.'
First Farmer: The cruel crowd of pups but the poor man is as well off dead.'
The tom-cat preened himself on the roof of the haybarn. Two she-cats eyed him and one said to the other, I'd give anything for a night in the hay with him.' 'You'd be disappointed,' said the other, He does nothing but talk about his operation.'
The hurling farmer was complaining about the opposing team to his own teammate.
They're no good. And neither are their supporters. All they are good at is boos.'
'Same as our supporters,' said the teammate, 'only ours spell it differently.'
Five lively young farmers went holidaying in Scotland. They could not get used to the strict and early closing hours in the pubs. After a party one night they saw a light in the window of a tavern and one of the young men got out and knocked at the window. A cross looking woman poked her head out of the window and shouted, 'After 'oors.' 'No. We've them in the car,' said the young man.
The farmer's son asked his father why his moustache was so much smaller than that of his schoolmate's father. The farmer had a rather long nose so the wife unkindly told the son that his Daddy's wouldn't grow in the shade.
At the ceremony to mark the commencement of a new Cooperative Hatchery, a lord's wife laid the foundation stone. She is as well as can be expected.
Sheepdog for sale. Will eat anything. Very fond of children.
Wanted: Bath for farmer's wife with copper bottom.
A progressive young farmer read that sheep grew more wool if the ram was kept indoors during the winter and if piped music was played in the stall. The young man duly locked the ram in a stall and installed the piped music. Unfortunately, the ram went berserk and burst down the door of the stall as soon as the music started. When the young farmer studied the tape he realised why. The tune being played was There's never going to be another You. (Ewe)
The Garda had become interested in farming and had decided to rear pigs. He looked for a half-day free from the Sergeant:
'I wish to apply for a half-day to buy a pig in plain clothes.'
The farmer's wife studied the television advertisements carefully. She went into a shoe-shop and asked for a packet of studs for leather gloves.
'Studs for leather gloves! Who ever heard the like? What do you mean?' asked the assistant.
'Well, with the price you're charging for shoes I was going to let the fingers do the walking,' said the customer.
The clergyman was concerned when the farmer told him that, in support of women's liberation, he had employed a farmgirl to work with his staff of five farmhands. 'Tell me, Paddy, is she chaste?' asked the clergyman. 'Bedad she is, Father, all over the farmyard,' answered Paddy.
The farmer was very proud of his eldest daughter.
"The man who marries my daugher will get a prize,' he said.
'What will it be?' came the question across the room.
Then there was the farmer who thought the Royal Mint was what the Queen put on her lamb.
He thought that macaroni had something to do with the discovery of radio.
And he said that if Adam and Eve wore fig-leaves then their children probably wore tea-leaves.
It was the young farmer's first date and his girl was more experienced than him, to say the least. They lay at the bottom of the hill and caressed some. Somewhat impatiently, she took his hand, placed it on her knee and said, 'What about going a bit higher?' whereupon the young farmer stood and started climbing up the hill.
The sixteen stone farmer's wife went on a diet last year. Now she weighs only six stone and that includes her headstone.
When the crow flew overhead, Mick took off his cap and looked at it remarking, 'Lucky cows don't fly.'
A knock came at the farmhouse door and the farmer's little boy answered it. The man at the door spoke: 'I have come to enquire about the donkey for sale.' Boy (Shouting into kitchen): 'Da, you're wanted.'
The cross farmer caught the young boy in the act of robbing his orchard.
Farmer: 'If you were my son I'd send you to a reformatory.'
Boy: 'If I was your son, I'd volunteer to go.'
An enterprising Gare farmer set up his own small industry manufacturing mechanical turnip snaggers. At present, up to fifteen snaggers an hour are rolling off the assembly line. Production will be higher when the snaggers stop rolling off the assembly line.
One of the newest farmers' jokes concerns the farmer who was working his fields near Shannon Airport when a cargo plane bearing parts for Datsun motor cars flew overhead. A' large container of gear cogs burst open and cogs began dropping down into the field where the farmer worked. He looked up and remarked, 'Good Lord! It's raining Datsun cogs.'
A farmer's definition of 'competition' is: Two blacksmiths in a one-horse town.
The farmer's tiny tot toddled around the kitchen not knowing that her father and mother were not on the best of terms. She made the remark to nobody in particular in fact almost to herself: 'Mammies are prettier than Daddies.' Delighted at the chance the mother said, 'Naturally.' Without taking his face from behind the newspaper, the farmer countered with: 'No. Artificially.'
The farmer's wife came home from her first meeting in the city in very bad form. 'What happened?' asked her husband. 'Well,' said his wife, 'they're good at nothing up there but making sandwiches. Butter, slap, thump; butter, slap, thump and they keep talking a hundred to the dozen; a hundred scandals to the dozen sandwiches.'
Advertisement: FARMHAND WANTED. OWN QUARTERS WHERE HE CAN COOK HIMSELF ON A BREAKFAST-COOKER.
First Farmer: 'When I meet the Minister for Agriculture I say, "Hi" to him and he says, "Hi" back to me and when we meet in our cars I go 'Toot" to him and
he goes "Toot" back to me.'
Second Farmer: 'You have a close relationship, then?' First Farmer: 'Aye. It's what you might call a "Hi" for a "Hi" and a "Toot" for a "Toot".'
Stories of Recruiting Teams for the British Army trying to be smart with rural youths were plentiful during the early years of Ireland. A Recruiting
Sergeant came upon a youth holding a donkey by having his arms about his neck. 'I say, Sonny, why are you holding your brother in that manner?' he asked
The young man was too quick for the Sergeant by far, however, and he quickly replied, 'I'm afraid he might join the British Army.'
Question: 'Why are you stirring your tea with your left hand?'
Answer: 'I'm not. I'm using a spoon.'
Two farmers, both afflicted with stammers, discussed the cleverness of one of their dogs.
'Wwwwwwhy. He'd nnnnearly tttttttalk tto you,' said one and the other replied:
'Ttttttthat mmmmmakes ttttthree of us.'
One of those two farmers, when asked if his stammer affected his business transactions at the creamery,said: 'Nnnno. Only when I ttttttalk.'
A man of the soil, he dreaded the toast to the bridesmaids that he knew he would have to give at his wedding reception. He insisted upon not making the speech but the groomsman, his parents and everybody insisted as strongly that he should comply with convention. So when he rose to speak, he held his new bride's hand for support; but the opening words of his speech were, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this thing has been forced upon me.'
The boy told his mother that somebody had called at the farmhouse door while she was out with the chickens.
'And why didn't you answer the door?' asked the mother.
'Don't be so stupid, Ma,' said the boy, 'whoever heard a door asking questions?'
Farmers believe that the best time to study the book of nature is when spring opens the leaves and when autumn turns them.
Why is farming dangerous in the spring?
Because the buds are shooting and the Bullrush is out.
As he walked along the icy road past the church the farmer slipped and fell. The priest observed the accident and remarked:
'My good man, sinners stand on slippery places.'
'So I see,' said the farmer, 'but I can't.'
The farmer's daughter finally spoke firmly to her persistent suitor:
'I can not marry you and I'm sure I have never let you see any encouragement written on my face.'
Hurt, but wishing to have a parting stab, the suitor said: 'Well I suppose I wasn't able to read between the lines.'
She wore Wellingtons, a dirty coat and was anything but attractive.
HE: 'What about a nice long walk down by the hayfield?'
SHE: 'Oh I'd love to Johnny.'
HE: 'Well, don't let me detain you.'
During the war years, when public houses and restaurants laid on facilities for horse-drawn 'drays' of turf and their owners who brought loads of the fuel
to the city from the bogs, one enterprising publican placed a notice in his window which read:
FOR EATING YOURSELF AND HORSE : SIX SHILLINGS.
First Farmer: 'He writes very well in a farmer's magazine-has a great turn of phrase.'
Second Farmer: 'Mmmm. He's great at turning other writers' phrases into his own.'
When filling in his income-tax form, something new for him, the farmer filled in the space reading 'Number of children' as follows: 'Two. One alive and one in the County Council.'
The farmer charged into the solicitor's office and demanded £3 for the meat that he claimed the solicitor's dog took from the carrier of his bicycle and ate. The solicitor claimed that the farmer ought not to have left the bicycle with the meat unattended but after much haggling he handed over the £3. On the following day the farmer got a bill from the solicitor for £5 for a consultation fee.
In town for market day, the farmer hopped into a newly opened Chinese Restaurant to purchase a packet of cigarettes at the counter. 'Twenty Number 6', he said. He got a stone of Chop Suey.
Rain had interrupted the harvesting and the two farmers were huddled in a ditch trying to boil a kettle on a bit of a fire they had lit. They were wet, cold and miserable and longing for the kettle to boil so that they could make tea. They watched and watched and eventually the steam began to cause the lid of the kettle to bounce. "Tis boiling at last,' said the first farmer. "Tis only shivering with the cold,' said the other.
A Kerry farmer was driving in an area with which he was not familiar when he came across a lorry stuck under a low bridge. He got out of his car and asked the lorry-driver, "Where are you bringing the bridge to?'
Two spinsters had lived alone on the farm for many years. They had a she-cat of which they were extremely fond and, fearing her being molested by the coarse torn cats in the neighbourhood, they kept the pussy indoors at all times. To everybody's surprise, one of the ladies got married and went on her honeymoon, leaving her sister alone with the pussy awaiting a letter from the newly-wed. After about a week a postcard arrived. It simply read: 'Let out the pussy.'
When the same old spinsters got a television set they tuned it to a programme in which there was a snow-scene in New York and they expressed the forecast: 'It's snowing over there we'll have it here in a few days.'
Years before that, the dear ladies had their house wired for electricity during the Rural Electrification Scheme. When the electricians were finished the sisters asked them how they were going to climb up to light the bulb.
Farmer (to wife): 'Why can't you make bread like my mother?'
Wife: 'Why can't you make dough like my father?'
During the First World War a farmer was surprised on going into the cow-byre at seeing his soldier son, whom he thought to be fighting in France, sitting milking a cow. 'Shouldn't you be at the front?' said the farmer. 'Now Da, I haven't forgotten where the cow has her milk,' replied the son.
What goes against a farmer's grain?
'Has a lemon got legs?' asked an inebriated farmer of his friend in the public house.
'Of course not,' answered the friend.
'Well then I've squeezed the canary into my gin,' said the farmer.
Then there was the mean farmer who got married, brought his bride to the station and handed her a ticket to Dubh'n. 'Off you go on your honeymoon, girl. It would be waste of money if I went for I was there before.'
Farmer's wife (to farmhand): 'Are you going to the sale of work in the Parish Hall, Tom?
Tom: 'You don't mean to tell me that people buy work, Mam?'
In the old days of the threshings when the keg of porter would be dispensed to the neighbouring helpers one helper came to complain to the farmer about how things were being handled in that department. He complained thus: 'It's not a bit fair to have some getting it all and none getting the rest.'
Farmer's son: 'Daddy, what is a blizzard?'
Farmer: 'A hen's second stomach for grinding food.'
Doctor: 'You have nothing to worry about. You have not got pneumonia. It is only influenza.'
Farmer: 'Doctor, please be honest with me. Did you not once treat a man for influenza who died of pneumonia?'
Doctor: 'My dear man. Anybody I ever treated for influenza died from influenza. I do not make mistakes.'
The I.C.A. claim to be the oldest woman's club in the country.
Their husbands claim that the rolling pin is!
A notice in a cattle-mart read:
FARMERS WITH CATTLE ARE WARNED THAT THEY WILL NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE SALE-RING IN AN INTOXICATED CONDITION.
Another in the bar of the mart read:
PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE WHILE THE ROOM IS IN MOTION.
... all lies, of course. Notices can't read!
There is hardly anything as exasperating as well meant pieces of advice being proffered by people when one is in some kind of trouble. A farmer was having
great trouble trying to locate an electrical fault in his tractor. His wife came on the scene and asked him what was wrong with the tractor.
'Short circuit,' grunted her husband, who really almost blew a fuse when his wife suggested: 'Well why don't you try a longer one!'
Learned farmers have always claimed that one's ankle is there in order to prevent the calf from getting at the corn.
Occasional freaks occur in the birth of livestock like five-legged calves and so on. A cockney student-veterinarian-surgeon was assisting a farmer on his rounds and they were called to a byre where a three-headed calf had been born. Aghast at the sight which he saw, the student vet remarked 'Hello, Hello, Hello.'
Q. What did the elderberry say when the horse trampled upon it?
A. Nothing. It just let out a little whine!
Then there was the farmer whose bank manager told him he was looking rather pale and overdrawn. . . .
Q. What do you get if you cross a bull with a mouse?
A. Huge holes in the skirting board.
After the success of the film Jaws a farmer whose hobby was making films of wild-life decided to make a film on rats which he would call Gnaws.
The city visitor to Mick's farm was very proud of his being so well versed in the farm animals or so he thought. He stopped before one animal and said to the farmer. 'Why has that cow got no horns?' The farmer replied, 'Some cows have their horns cut off when they're calves. Some do not grow horns at all but that one you're looking at has none because it is a sheep.'
The farmer was bragging about his dramatic achievements with the local pantomime troupe. 'I played the front part of the cow in last year's Jack and the Beanstalk,' he said to Pat. Pat replied with the question, 'Who played the udder?'
Then there was the farmer who read all about water-skiing and went looking for a lake with a slope on it.
The Wicklow farmer's son arrived home and was asked by his father where he had been all day. Son: 'I was at the Sheep-Dog Trials.' Farmer: 'How many were found guilty?'
The young farmer shyly stood at the reception desk of the maternity hospital as the receptionist asked him about medical-cards, health insurance and other things about which he knew little. His wife was becoming impatient for her time was near so she said to her husband, 'Will you for God's sake tell her we'll pay C.O.D.'
Farmer (To labourer): 'You're fired.'
Labourer: 'Why? What have I done?'
The farmer's daughter was not endowed with good looks. One evening she sped into the farmyard on her bicyle, dismounted in a great hurry, dropped her bicycle and screamed at her father, 'Dad. I was followed home by a sex-maniac.' The father coolly asked, 'are you complaining or boasting?'
Tom: 'Did you hear about the farmer that put the pound on the plate at Mass?'
Tom: 'Neither did I.'
The farmer said to his girl-friend: 'Now that I have given up the cigarettes I'm beginning to smell again.'
The doctor had prescribed tablets for the farmer's nerves. He collected them at the pharmacist's and read the instructions on the bottle. 'Give one to wife three times a day. In extreme cases give full bottle to wife.'
Farmer's wife: 'Lying is one of my failings.'
Farmer: 'No. It's one thing vou succeed at'
He had done well at the cattle mart and was under the weather as he returned home in the bus. An ugly spinster glared at him as he slumped in a drunken stupour.
'You're absolutely disgusting,' she shouted and added, 'You're disgraceful and a really horrible sight.' He opened one eye, looked at his attacker, hiccupped and said, 'So are you, madam, but I'll be sober in the morning.'
Farmer (To wife who insisted on driving his tractor): 'Where did you leave the tractor?'
Wife: 'In the Mill field.'
Farmer: 'But there's no way into the Mill field!'
Wife: 'There is now.'
What's the difference between a Cork farmer and a coconut?
You can get a drink out of a coconut.
Then there was the farmer who was so crooked that when he cried the tears ran down his back.
The fruit-farmer's son joined the Army and asked to be sent to the Apple-Corps.
They called him 'Hammer' because he had a striking appearance.
They called his brother 'Mirror' because he spent his time in reflection.
'Will you miss me tonight,' sang the farmer at the Farmers Dance. His rendering was flat and pretty rank. The unkind cry came from the end of the hall: 'Not if I have a blooming shot-gun.'
An American took up farming and crossed an owl with a goat to get a 'Hootinanny'.
A farmer loved a nice big egg for his breakfast and noticed of late that the eggs were getting smaller and smaller. One morning there was no egg for him and his wife informed him that the hens had stopped laying. Rushing out to the henhouse he opened the door viciously and screamed, 'which of you cluckers introduced the pill.'
During the foot and mouth epidemic in England a farmer and his wife, returning from there, arrived at Dublin Airport. 'Excuse me sir,' said an official to the farmer, "you must have your baggage disinfected.'
'The cheek of you, you impudent pup,' said the farmer. 'My wife has no diseases.'
Farmer: 'I had to slaughter a calf for the deep-freeze.'
Guest: 'But if you just put it in alive wouldn't it die with the cold?'
Farmer's Son: 'Where's Baghdad?'
Farmer: 'You're in third class, you should know where Bag is yourself.'
Farmer's Son: 'We got a lecture on Yeats in school today, Dad.
Farmer: 'And I suppose, ignorant scamp that you are, you didn't even know what a Yeat was.'
Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Q: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
A: An eggroll!
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle?
Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make!
What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.
What do you call the best butter on the farm?
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
He took them to a pignic.
A lawyer cruising along a country road accidentally hit a calf, killing it. Wanting to do the right thing (hey - it could happen), the lawyer headed over to the farm house to explain what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Well, right now, it'd probably fetch about $50 or so," said the farmer. "But in six years, it would've brought me $1,500. So, $1,500 is what I'm out."
The lawyer sat down, wrote a check, and handed it to the farmer.
"Here you go," he said. "One check for $1,500. Post-dated six years from now."
Two cows in a field. One says to the other,
"What do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other replies,
"Crikey, a talking cow!"
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Q. Why did the cockerel play in the rush-hour traffic?
A. To show he wasn't chicken.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because it's too far to go round.
Q. Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A. The outside.
A recent EU directive states that is no longer legal to keep chickens in the back yard.
From now on they must be kept in the back metre.
Q. How many farmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Can't be done.
A. Well, first you have to find a farmer who can afford a spare lightbulb...
What is the difference between a letterbox and a bull's bottom?
I don't know
I'll find someone else to post this letter...
Q. Why are you stuffing that sheep into your computer?
A. All together now..Because it needs more RAM.
Not quite the original:
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as soot
And into Mary's bread & jam
His sooty foot he put.
Mary had a little lamb
Its wool was white I think.
She washed it with her underwear
And now it has turned pink.
Remember the old money?
Suzy had an iron cow
She milked it with a spanner.
The milk came out in shilling tins
The little ones a tanner.
To bring it up-to-date:
Helga has a robot cow,
she twiddles dials and meters.
Milk comes out in cartons now,
A euro for two litres.
Postmodern: A brand new state of the art fence support.
It's those two cows again...
"Daisy, have you heard?"
"Moo. Heard what Buttercup?"
"There's going to be a Farmers Market at the town hall next week."
"That's good, let's sell our farmer and see if we can get a better one."
The shepherd took his cross-eyed dog to the vet.
The vet picked the dog up to examine him and said, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The shepherd said "It's not that bad is it?"
"No," said the vet, "he's just very heavy."
The two brothers were sat in the Solicitor's waiting room waiting for Father's will to be read. An argument started as to which of them was the favourite son and it was getting into full flow when they were invited into the office.
After a few preliminaries including the disposal of a few small items to the cousins and old friends the important bit came - who would inherit the farm.
The solicitor took a deep breath, looked at the eldest brother and said "Well John, the farm is yours". John turned to his brother, "See" he said " I told you you were the favourite"
A lion, a gorilla and a chicken were bragging in a bar.
"I am the greatest," said the gorilla. "When I beat my chest everyone backs away respectfully."
"No, I am the greatest," said the lion. "When I roar everyone in earshot runs away screaming."
"Ha!" said the chicken. "You should see the worldwide media reaction if I so much as sneeze..."
The wife heard a man driving down the road shouting, "The world is ending!" I said, "Don't worry. It's only Farmer Geddon."
Grandpa was showing Little Johnny around the farm. When they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm eating a hamburger!"
A farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring... which demonstrates that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.
ECONOMIES OF SCALE
Two farmers decide to collect watermelons from all the surrounding farms and pay the farmers 50 cents per melon.
They rent a truck, load up the watermelons and drive to the big city, 400 miles away. They sell the entire truck load of melons, 2 for $1.00.
On the way home one farmer says to the other, "You know, we really didn't make too much money. How do you figure it?"
The other one answers, "We gotta get a bigger truck."
Where do sheep go on vacation?
What do you get when you cross a bee with a quarter pound of beef?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Where does the farmer wash his livestock?
At the hogwash.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To catch his chickens
1. What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
2. How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
3. What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
4. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
5. What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?
6. What do you call an obnoxious pumpkin?
7. What's orange on the inside and clear on the outside?
8. What kind of pumpkin wears a football helmet?
9. Why do jack-o-lanterns have stupid smiles on their faces?
1. Pumpkin Pi
2. With a pumpkin patch
3. A penguin with a jack-o-lantern.
5. See answer 4
6. A jerk-o-lantern
7. A pumpkin in a plastic bag
8. A jock-o-lantern
8. You'd have a stupid smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
There were two carrots walking down the road, a big carrot and a little carrot. On the other side of the road they see their friend cabbage in his cabbage patch.
Big carrot says: "Let's go visit cabbage on the other side of the road."
Little carrot says: "But there is so much traffic here I'm afraid I might get run over."
Big carrot says: "Nonsense, just wait for a break in the traffic and run as fast as you can."
Big carrot sees a break in the traffic and runs over to cabbage. He then calls to is friend to try. Little carrot gets ready, sees a break in the traffic and runs across the road. Unfortunately there was a big truck coming and little carrot gets squashed in the middle of the road. Big carrot feels really bad and scoops his friend up and takes him to the hospital. The doctors perform emergency surgery.
After several hours the doctor comes out. "I have some good news and some bad news."
Big carrot says: "Ok doc, go ahead, I can take it."
The doctor says, "Well the good news is that your friend is going to live, but the bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
First Farmer: Did the tornado damage your barn last night?
Second Farmer: Don't Know. Haven't seen it yet.
First Farmer: My brother bought a farm that's an inch wide and a mile long.
Second Farmer: What can he grow on a farm like that?
First Farmer: Spaghetti, I guess.
First Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged?
Second Farmer: I'd give him all the time he wanted to pay off the bill.
First Farmer: How do you tell the weeds from the valuable plants?
Second Farmer: If it pulls out easily, it's a valuable plant.
Why The Chicken Crossed The Road
Aristotle: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Epicurus: For fun.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Plato: For the greater good.
Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Socrates: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?
Thoreau: To live deliberately.
Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow. Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork. Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!
There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?" "Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?" "Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer. Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?" "Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer. Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him "Hey - come over here buddy". The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me"? The horse replies, "Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger thought to himself, "Boy a talking horse!" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer, "Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field". The farmer replies, "Son, you can't believe anything that horse says - He's never even been to Kentucky."
There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls. One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down!"
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?" The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two." The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he says. "How did you work that out so fast?" "Easy," says the accountant "I counted the number of feet and divided by 4."
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."
A farmer was interviewing a young man for the job of assistant farmhand. "You'll need to be fit," said the farmer. "Have you ever had any illnesses? Any accidents?" "No, sir," replied the young man proudly. "But you're on crutches. You must have had an accident!" said the farmer. "Oh, the crutches!" said the young man. "A bull tossed me last week. But that wasn't an accident! He did it on purpose!"
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses. "Boy," said the farmer, "That sure makes me want to do the same." "Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples." "I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".
It was a hot summer night. Slowly I spread her legs and my hand was trying to find it's way to her nipple... I was so excited! I never milked a cow before...
A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father asked him what he thought of Army life. "It's pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."
FARMER: Did you sleep well last night? GUEST: No, the bed was soft and the air was fresh, but an old sow kept pushing at the door. FARMER: Never mind her. She always gets upset when we rent out her room.
Farmer Jones bought a herd of pigs from a Roman farmer who moved into the next valley and boy, is he sorry. The hogs won't come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig Latin.
Did you hear about the farmer's boy who hated the country ? He went to the big city and got a job as a shoeshine boy and now the farmer makes hay while the son shines!
Farmer Brown put up a pig-shaped weather vane, but he's not happy with it. Instead of pointing with the wind, the pig vane keeps pointing toward the feed trough.
Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy, he built a pig-powered car. He has to get rid of it, though. Every time he turns a corner, the tires squeal.
"Tell me," said the hiker to the local farmer, "Will this pathway take me to the main road?" "No, sir," replied the farmer, "You'll have to go by yourself!"
What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer? A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.
What did the farmer say when his fat pig wouldn't fit into the pen? "There's more there than meets the sty."
Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens? He wanted them to lay coloured eggs!
What did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once? I'm on the horns of a dilemma here!
Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar? He wanted sweet and sour pork!
Camper: Is it easy to milk a cow? Farmer: Sure it is. Any jerk can do it.
How does the pig farmer get to the fair? He rides piggyback.
Why are farmers cruel? Because they pull corn by the ears.
What do you call an Arab dairy farmer? A milk sheik.
How does a farmer send messages? By e-i-e-i-o-mail.
Q: Which job is a cow most suited for?
A: Baker. Because they're making cow pies regularly.
Q: Why should you never-ever tell a Cow a secret?
A: Because it will just go in one ear and out the UDDER
What did the farmer call his cow???
A - Pat.
Farmers wife says, "A bull can have sex three thousand times a year, why can't you do that? Farmer replies, "The bull doesn't do it with the same old cow every time!"
What do you say to a Cow if it's in your way?
You tell it to Mooooooooooove.
What is cowhide most used for?
Holding cows together!
Did you hear about the wooden tractor ? It had wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden work.
A Kansas rancher was walking through his pasture one day, and found a lamp. He was rubbing the dust off of the lamp and out popped a genie, telling him he would grant him one wish a year for three years. The rancher's first wish was for grass belly high on the cows that summer, and as promised that summer the grass was belly high on the cows. The next year the genie returned on schedule, and the rancher wished for $1.20 weaned calves, and calves were $1.20 at weaning. On the third year when the genie returned, the rancher again wished for $1.20 weaned calves. "But," the genie protested "You wished for that last year, and I gave you your wish?!?!". "I know," said the rancher, looking at the ground and shuffling his feet, "But I held out for $1.30".
A dyslexic farmer walks into a bra.
Farming : Gardening for people with far too much land.
I'm new to farming, but I recently purchased several thousand battery hens based upon a sound business plan and excellent return on investment figures. I don't wish to waste any money, so before I release any further funds, could somebody tell me whether chickens take AA's or AAA's? Thanks.
A farmer has 3 sons: 17, 15, and 12. The eldest son says, "I think its time I had a car." The farmer takes him over to the barn, looks inside and says, "See that tractor, son? Well, till its paid for, we cannot get anything else to ride on." The son goes away in a bad mood.
An hour later, the middle son says to his father, "Dad, I need a new bike." The farmer takes him over to the barn, looks inside and says, "See that tractor son? Well, till its paid for, we cannot get anything else to ride on." The second son goes away in a very bad mood.
An hour or so later, the youngest son says to his father, "Dad, I need a new bike." The farmer takes him over to the barn, looks inside and says, "See that tractor son? Well, till its paid for, we cannot get anything else to ride on."
On their way out of the barn, they see a cockerel mating with a hen. The 12 year old is so mad he kicks the cockerel across the yard as hard as he can. The father says, "What the hell did you do that for?" The son replies, "Till the tractor is paid for, nobody is riding anything."
A farmer is out shopping on his way back from the auction and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home to the farm he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
Jack the farmer from up the fell side was to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a fireside in the farm house for chat.
"Jack," he says, "Let me tell you something. On my wedding night in ourhoneymoon suite, I took off my trousers, handed them to your mother and said, 'Here Darling, try these on.'
"So she did, and said, 'Well sweetie, they're a little too big, I can't wear them.'
"So I replied, 'Exactly - I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will.'
"Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack, and thinks it's a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "Here Baby, try these on."
So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Jack then says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers in this relationship, I always will, and I don't want you to forget that."
At this, Jill takes off her knickers, hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine."
So he tries and says, "I can't even get into your knickers."
Jill says, "Exactly, and if you don't change your attitude, you never will!"
A farmer was up on the hills looking the sheep on way back he shoots and kills a deer and brings it home on the quad bike. He decides to clean and serve the deer meat for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is. So he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad? " You'll see", he replies.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me. "
His daughter screams, "Don't eat it, Jimmy! It's an arsehole!"
2 cows at a feed barrier, happily munching TMR. One of the cows turns to the other and says "I was artificially inseminated this morning." The other cows says "No, I don't believe you." The first replies "Yep, honest, no bull."
A farmers wife demands an exotic present for her birthday.Her husband obliges and buys her a zebra.After a couple of days the zebra is settling in and starts to try and make friends in the farm. It walks up to the cow and says, "What do you do?" The cow replies, "Eat the grass to make the milk." The zebra then asks the hens, "What do you do?" "We eat the corn and lay the eggs," the hens replied. The zebra finally comes across the farmers point to point stallion. "What do you do?" asked the zebra, to which the stallion replied "Take off those pyjamas and I'll show you!"
Forage Trader got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer.
He's been refused bale.
Farmer says to his wife:
"30 years ago we lived in a small rented cottage, an old banger for a car, a portable black and white TV, and I went to bed at night with a 20 year old. Now we stay in a large farmhouse, a BMW X5 in the garage, a TV the size of a wall of the house, but I now go to bed with a 50 year old."
"Well, if you want to have a 20 year old in your bed, I'll make sure you go back to staying in a rented cottage, an old banger for a car and a black and white portable TV!"
3 working girls are chatting after a nights work. One girl says to the others:
"I've had a good night tonight. Been with a joiner. He was really good with his hands and very good at banging."
"I can do better than that," says one of the others. "I've had a plumber tonight. He was really good with his tool and could reach all the right places."
Finally the 3rd girl pipes up:
"I've had a tw@t of a night. Had a farmer. All he did was moan; first it was too dry, then it was too wet, and then it was too fooking expensive!"
Farmer gets dragged to the shops by his wife.
The wife is trying on clothes and says to her husband, "Does this dress make my bum look big?"
Farmer replies, "No, it's all the pies you've eaten that has done that!"
Did you hear about the farmer who took viagra?
He sold the tractor and brought the bales in himself.
YOU MAY BE A FARMER IF:
Your dog rides in the truck more than your wife
You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops
You have used a chainsaw to remodel your house
You have buried a dog and cried like a baby
You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway
You always look when a vehicle passes your house, even at night
You have used something other than paper as toilet paper
You have animals living in buildings more expensive than your house
Your family instantly becomes silent when the weather comes on the news
You don't bother to clean up the dog's mess because it's just fertilizer, and the dog knows to stay out of your way
Your husband drives a friend home from the bar when he only lives 3 houses away
You'll skip your own cousin's funeral for the first day of deer season (and you know he would approve and would do the same if you died)
You have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own, but you only wear one so you don't get the others dirty
You convince your wife that an overnight, out of State trip for parts is a vacation
You've never thrown away a 5 gallon bucket
You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house
You have used baling wire to attach a license plate
You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate, and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday
You have used a tractor with a loader as scaffolding for painting or roof repairs
You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment
You've used the same knife to make bull calves into steers and peel apples
You wave at every vehicle whether you know them or not
Your wife agrees to observe Mother's Day after the beans are planted
Over 50% of your clothing came from feed or seed dealers
You give directions to your farm by using area landmarks, not road names or number
You refer to farms by who owned them 50 or more years ago
You've been stopped by the deputy sheriff for a cluttered dashboard
Family weddings and special events are planned around spring planting and fall harvest
Your know that checkoff is not a Russian diplomat
The rusted out areas of your truck are sealed off with old tee-shirts or duck tape
You can eat an ear of sweet corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds
You pick up all the free stuff at the State Fair
It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across town
You can tell the difference between the smell of a skunk and the smell of a feedlot
The meaning of true love is that you'll pose for a picture with both him and his favorite tractor
The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him
You consider a building a mall if it's bigger than the local Wal-Mart
You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit
You know cow pies aren't made of beef
Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out
Your early morning prayer covers rain, cattle, and pigs
You consider a romantic evening driving through Hardees and renting a hunting instructional video
You can tell it's a farmer working late in the field, know who it is, what they're doing, and not think it's a UFO
You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon and never get tired of him saying, "Gooooood day"
Your nearest neighbor is in the next section, and you know what a section is
You actually understand the geographical neccesity of correction lines
When you were little, you "beat-up" another kid on school bus arguing over the color of tractors
Your other vehicle is a tractor
Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees" "Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?" "Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar." "No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sir," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deeres." "You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge." "Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deere in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?" "No sir", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?" "Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"
A farmer and his wife had just waken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.
"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"
The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."
A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.
"Don't be scared, Susan," her husband said. "We aren't hurt."
Susan continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 15 years we've been out together."
A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?"
The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."
It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand. "It must have been terrible," said the government man to a farmer. "All that snow." "Could have been worse," calmly answered the farmer. "My neighbor had more snow than me." "How's that?" asked the government man.
"More land," replied the farmer.
Q. Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick?
A. The pharmacist.
A man traveling through the country stopped at a small roadside fruit stand and bought some apples. When he mentioned they were awfully small, the farmer replied, "Yup."
The man took a bite of one of the apples and exclaimed, "Not very flavorful, either."
"That's right," said the farmer. "Lucky they're small, ain't it?"
Two brothers were raised on a farm, one brother moved to town. Every year, the city brother would come out to visit the farmer brother. Every time he came out, the farmer brother was complaining about his crops. It was too hot or too cold, too wet or too dry, prices were low, the crops looked bad. As the city brother was driving out one year, he noticed the crops looking great. He had the radio on and crops were hitting an all time high. As he got out to the farm, here was the farmer brother sitting in a rocking chair with a grumpy look on his face. The city brother asked why he was in a bad mood. The crops looked great, the right amount of rain, temp., and prices were setting record highs. The farmer brother said, "You know what a crop like this takes out of the soil?"
More Country Wisdom:
Trouble with a milk cow is, she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip in the cow pond with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness doesn't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their minds.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't chase anything meaner than yourself into a corner.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming that you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel statement.
Every path has some puddles.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about, never happens anyway.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
A woman had been married to a farmer all of her life. They had cows and horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local farmers market.
While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that she and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she came across a contest form while in the store.
So she completed the jingle and mailed it off to the Carnation Milk Company in an effort to win a cash prize which had been offered for the best entry regarding those little cans of milk found on grocery shelves.
Carnation had furnished the first line of the jingle with these words: "I like Carnation best of all ..." and the submitter had only to complete the remainder of the jingle on their entry form. Each contestant could only use 50 words or less.
A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted. However it was unfortunate that the company could not publish it.
In lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at least a consolation award and provided her with company check in the amount of $1,000 for her creativity.
Here is her entry:
I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch."
You know you are from a small town if...
** You can name everyone you graduated with.
** You know what 4-H is.
** You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
** You used to drag "main."
** You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.
** You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't-same goes with the game warden.
** You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
** School gets canceled for state events.
** You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow).
** When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
** You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
** You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
** It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
** You had senior skip day.
** The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
** You don't give directions by street names but by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).
** The cc golf course had only 9 holes.
** You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.
** Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
** You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
** The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.
** Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
** You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people." ** The people in the city dress funny, then you pick up on the trend two years later.
** You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.
** Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
** You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
** Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
** Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
** The city council meets at the coffee shop.
** Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
** You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis.
** Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
** Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
** You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
** Your teachers calls you by your older siblings names.
** Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
** You can charge at all the local stores.
** The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away.
** So is the closest mall.
** It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
** You laugh your butt off reading this because you know they're all true and forward it to everyone who lives in your town! (because you know them all!)
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
A farmer was having trouble getting his horses to breed. He had tried everything and was at his wits end. Finally one day he called the local Vet. The Vet told him to rub the male nose into the female horse... He would get the scent of her and breed. Sure enough the farmer rubbed the male horses nose into the female and he hopped right on.
That evening the farmer was thinking about his own trouble in the sex department. So that night after him and his wife were laying in bed, he reached down underneath the covers and rubbed on his wife and then rubbed his nose. To his amazement he got his first hard-on in years.
He yelled out to his wife..."Honey look!!! Look!!!" His wife turned on the light disgusted and said "You woke me up to tell me you had a bloody nose?"
There's this Aussie farmer visiting a new zealand farm, and in a back paddock he comes across a New Zealander screwing a sheep. The farmer says "Hey mate - in our country we shear our sheep" and the New Zealander replies "Get stuffed - I'm not shearing this sheep with anyone."
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
Q: Why did the rooster go to the basketball game?
A: He heard that sometimes the ref blows fouls.
Mary had a little sheep With the sheep she went to sleep The sheep turned out to be a ram........ Mary Had A Little Lamb.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
Because the chicken was off duty!
Why did the sheep go 'moo'?
Because he was learning a new language!!!
Q: What's the difference between a sheep and a Yugo?
A: It's marginally less embarrassing being seen getting out of the back of a sheep.
Why did the sheep cross the road. To get baaaahck to his pasture.
Where do you get virgin wool?
Why did the lamb call the police? He had been fleeced.
What is a sheep's favorite newspaper?
"The Wool Street Journal"
What did the sheep say to his girlfriend? I love ewe!
What did the ewe say to the ram on their Christmas vacation in Mexico?
A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.
"Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no other way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a 'match'."
"'Match'? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your pants."
There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.
A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. 'Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk,' said the hospitable old man. 'But, I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.'
'Oh!' said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, 'Just how far is it to the next house?'
The farm had been mortgaged to give his daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"
The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. 'Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room,' replied the farmer. 'But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.'
'Look,' said the tourist, 'I want you to know I'm a gentleman.'
'Well,' mused the farmer, 'As far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.'
A farmer is driving his 8 year old daughter down the road to go to lunch. As he nears a couple on the side of the road, he notices they are arguing and watches in horror as the wife cuts off her man's penis and throws it into the traffic.
The penis hits the windshield of the farmer's truck. Not knowing how to react, he says nothing. Just then, his daughter says, "Daddy, what was that that hit the window?"
Without missing a beat, the farmer replies, "Oh honey, that was just a fly..."
His daughter then exclaims, "Well that fly had the biggest dick I ever saw!"
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet
Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to the chicken!
Q: Why did the horse cross the road?
A: Because the chicken needed a day off.
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side!
Q: Why did the chicken end up in the soup?
A: Because it ran out of cluck!
Q: What happened when the chicken ate cement?
A: She laid a sidewalk!
Q: What did the chicken do when she saw a bucket of fried chicken?
A: She kicked the bucket!
Q: What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?
A: She was tickled to death!
If at last you do succeed you may be a beakless hen.
Q. What's big, red, and might kill you if it fell out of an apple tree as you walked underneath?
A. A combine harvester.
These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."
At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."
"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"
What's the difference between a barn and a cowshed? the farmer is 30 years older!
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
One day the schoolmarm was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
A rancher lived out on the prairies of Montana all alone, far from town, with only a few neighbors in the distance.
One day he looked up and could see a car coming down the road in a cloud of dust headed for his place.
When the car arrived he could see it was the local sheriff. He knew the local sheriff and said "Hi Bill, What brings you out here? Come on in for a cup of coffee".
"I can't" the sheriff says, "I'm on official business. You know that some new people named Abernathy bought the old Williams place over there. Well. it seems that Mrs. Abernathy is a nosey sort. Anyway, she has a telescope and has been watching you. She's filed a formal complaint. She says she's seen you having sex with one of your goats".
"Well" the rancher says "it's true. I'm all alone out here and it does happen".
"I'm going to have to take you in" the sheriff says.
On the way into town the rancher asks the sheriff.
"What do you think I should do".
"You need a good lawyer".
"Can you recommend anyone".
"Well" the sheriff says "There are two lawyers in town. There's that new kid, Benson. He's new to the area but graduated with honors from Harvard law school. Then theres Ole Earl. Now Earl has been around forever and is a little behind the times on the latest laws and everything. But one thing about Ole Earl is he really knows how to pick a jury".
"Who would you recommend" the rancher asks.
"I'd recommend Ole Earl".
So the rancher hires Ole Earl and they go to trial. The prosecutor puts Mrs. Abernathy on the stand and tells her he wants to tell the jury every detail of what she saw, not to leave anything out.
Mrs. Abernathy says "I saw that man right there (pointing at the rancher) having sex with one of his goats. And not only that, when he was done that goat turned around and licked his penis".
At that point one juror leans over to another and whispers...
"A good goat'll do that for ya"!
A farmer and his new wife were checking in to a small motel. The wife mentions that they are on their honeymoon.
"Oh how nice -- would you like to rent the bridal?"
"Nah, we won't need it," the farmer answers. "I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to Little Johnny. (When anyone was late for school, it usually was Little Johnny.)
"It ain't my fault." Miss Crabtree, "You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!"
"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'.
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.
The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil and then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."
The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body. Then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
The Farmer says, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours."
The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on her new winder curtains."
Q: What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
Q: What do cows get when they are sick?
A: Hay Fever
Q: Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder.
Q: What do you call a cow who just recently had its baby?
Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because the farmers milk them dry.
Q: What band is a cow favorite?
A: Moody Blues
Q: What do you call a grumpy cow?
Q: What do cows get when they do all their chores?
Q: What did one dairy cow say to another?
A: Got milk?
Q: How do you know that cows will be in heaven?
A: It's a place of udder delight.
A stockholder is a corral for cattle.
Moscow doesn't make as much milk as Pa's cow.
Q: Why is a barn so noisy?
A: All the cows have horns.
Q: What did one cow say to the other?
A: Nothing silly, cow's don't talk.
Q: What animals do you bring to bed?
A: Your calves.
Q: What happened to the lost cattle?
A: Nobody's herd.
Q: Where do cows like to live?
A: St. Moo-is, Moo-ssouri, and Moo Jersey.
Q: What did the cow wear to the football game?
A: A Jersey.
Q: Why can't you shock cows?
A: They've herd it all.
Q: What goes oo ooo oooo?
A: A cow with no lips.
Q: What newspaper do cows read?
A: The Daily Moos.
Q: What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A: A steak out.
Q: Where does a cow stop to drink?
A: The milky way!
Q: What does an invisible man drink?
A: Evaporated milk!
Q: Where do cows go for lunch?
A: The calf-eteria.
Q: What do you call a tired cow?
A: Milked out!
Q. On the farm who lives next to the horses?
A. Their neigh-bours.
Q. What TV talent show do farmers like?
A. The X Tractor
Scientists took a risk breeding cattle with long legs, but in the end the steaks were too high.
Q. What music do sheep like?
A. Glamb rock.
Q. Why was the fence jealous?
A. Because the hedge got layed.
Is planting wheat difficult?
No, it's easy when you know the drill.
Q. How do pigs celebrate christmas?
A. With mulled swine and good swill to all men.
Shaun the Sheep won the lottery!
After that he was minted.
A chicken goes to a celebrity party but, not going to the cinema or watching tv, he doesn't know any celebrities. There, he sees an interesting looking guy and goes to talk to him. He asks his name, and the man says, 'My name's BOND. JAMES BOND.' The chicken thinks 'mmm, hark at him.' James Bond asks the chicken his name, and the chicken replies: 'I'm KEN..... CHICK KEN.'
Now that's what I call Music (for myFarmers): Volume 1
1: The Tracks of my Steers - Smokey Robinson
2. Swill you still love me tomorrow? - The Shirelles
3. Red, Red Swine - Neil Diamond
4. Hay Joe - Jimi Hendrix
5. Spirit in the Sty - Norman Greenbaum
6. Slurry seems to be the hardest word - Elton John
7. Bull of Kintyre - Wings
8. Wheat don't talk anymore - Cliff Richard
9. Jive Stalking - The Bee Gees
10. Poultry in Motion - Johnny Tillitson
11. Talking in your Sheep - Crystal Gayle
12. With or without Ewe - U2
Did you hear about the clairvoyant cow? She could see into the future and the pasture.
Did you hear about the cow that jumped over the barbed-wire fence? It was an udder disaster.
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.
"None survived the branding."
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Do cows give milk?
No, you have to take it from them.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a dog?
Where does a cow go dancing?
At a meat ball.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers.
Where does a cow go when she loses her tail?
A re-tail store.
What do cows wear in Hawaii?
Where do smart cows go to college?
What do you hear when you drop a water-balloon on a cow?
What's the cow's favorite TV show?
Which cows knit the best sweaters?
What is every cow's favorite movie?
The Sound of Moosic.
Indicators That Your Cow Might Have Mad Cow Disease
She insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying, "Not on the first date."
She takes up painting and cuts off one of her ears.
She wants to get a silicon implant for her udder.
She appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
She demands to be branded with the "Golden Arches Logo".
She insists that all Hindus are sacred.
She insists that evaporated milk comes from dehydrated cows.
You find her hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
She quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
She joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, she's already got a cool leather jacket.
She gets a job at the Beef Marketing Board.
She tips other cows over and laughs.
She spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "moo" backwards.
She insists that she'll can give you chocolate milk if you start feeding her Hershey's bars.
She laughs hysterically until milk spurts out her nose.
She claims Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
She asks you to brand her again, but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
She purposely blinds herself with a dart and yells out, "Bulleye!"
Political Ideology for Farmers
Socialism - If you have two cows, you give one to your neighbor.
Communism - If you have two cows, you give them to the government, and the government gives you some milk.
Fascism - If you have two cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, which then sells you the milk at a high price.
Nazism - If you have two cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.
Reaganomics - If you have two cows, you sell all your excess milk to the government which, in turn, ships it to fascist and communist governments.
Anarchism - If you have two cows, your neighbor to the left takes one cow and your neighbor to the right takes the other; meanwhile, your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.
Utopianism - If you have two cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.
Pure Socialism - You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism - You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Pure Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism - You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Dictatorship - You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy - You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy - You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Bureaucracy - You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms and account for the missing cows.
Surrealism - You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
You might be a dairy farmer...
If you know the price of milk per hundred weight but not by the gallon.
If the medicine cabinet contains a container of Bag Balm.
If you've ever gotten an award for fat and were proud of it.
If your idea of a power lunch is a sandwich on a tractor.
If your idea of a neighborhood watch is someone calling you to let you know your heifers are out.
If you have more than a dozen cats.
If your idea of overnight delivery is pulling a calf at three in the morning.
If you can remember the name of every cow on your farm but the names of your children elude you.
If manure is a topic at the dinner table.
If your backyard ends at an electric fence.
What advice does a farmer follow when choosing a tractor? "If it fields good, do it."
NED: You shouldn't let farm animals provoke you.
ED: I can't help it - they goated me!
No farm building should ever, under any circumstances, be used as a convent... barn nun.
The farmer was stressed out. He had a high-thresher job.
How did the ferrier's wife know he'd been seeing a prostitute? She found a horseshoe.
After they had laid down all the fertilizer, the farmers awoke the next day, shocked at their discovery of the crap circles.
The song 'Dancing Queen' is so bad, they use it to slaughter cows. You know - in the ABBAtoir.
Grain farmers have a tough life. They barley survive from wheat to wheat.
I tried to navigate the farmer's field. But it was a maize.
Does growing sorghum cause gingivitis?
What do corn wear at night to keep warm? Stalkings.
When Beethoven lived on a farm, he wrote Oat to Joy.
Billy Ray Cyrus quit country music to build a gigantic bread oven. He called it the Acrey Bakery Hearth.
And Brooke Shields decided to grow colourful produce on her farm, aka the Blue Legume.
A farmer's favourite party game: Truth or Dairy.
Catastrophic: when tabby caused a commotion by dipping his rump into the pig's slop.
The innovative farmer decided to mark off his hoofed mammals. Everyone was impressed at this brand gnu development.
The criminal threatened to strike right at harvest time. The farmer said to him, "You better leave, before I cull the crops!"
What kids grow up in the fields? Farmy brats.
Farmers get stressed out when it's harvest time and they're expected to compensate their workers. They suffer from so many acres and payins.
Ten Technical Terms About Computers And What They Mean To Farmers
Log on: when you want to make the homestead warmer.
Log off: Timberrrrrrrrrrrr.
Mega Hertz: when you're not careful getting the firewood.
Lap top: where the cat sleeps.
Hard drive: manoeuvring through those rocky fields on the northern range when there is snow in the ground.
Windows: what to shut when it's cold outside.
Byte: what mosquitoes do.
Modem: what I did to the hay fields.
Keyboard: where the keys hang.
Mouse: critters that eat the grain in the barn.
First Irish Farmer:
My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
Second Irish Farmer:
Did you shoot it in the hole?
First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
Q:what has 8 legs, 4 ears, and twice as much wool as a sheep? A: 2 sheep.
What did the sheep say on Christmas? Baaah humbug!
When a sheep is rammed, does it then become ewes'd?
What do you get if you cross a boa and a sheep?
A wrap-around sweater.
How can you tell that a cloned sheep has died? There's always a ewelogy.
What did the cloned sheep say to the other sheep?
I am ewe.
Q, What happened to the clock that fell into the sheepdip?
A, It lost all its ticks.
Q: What's the difference between an epileptic farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea?
A: The farmer shucks between fits.
What do you call a cow with a crown? Dairy Queen.
A farmer takes his wife to the cattle market. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: 'This bull mated 50 times last year.'
The wife turns to her husband and says, 'He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!'
They proceed to the next bull and his sign states: 'This bull mated 65 times last year.'
The wife turns to her husband and says, 'This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!'
They proceed to the last bull and his sign says: 'This bull mated 365 last year.'
Before she can say anything, the fed up farmer turns to his wife and says, 'Go and ask him if he had to fuck the same cow every day.'
A farmer and his wife are in bed one evening. She's knitting, he's reading The Cow breeder's Almanac. He looks up and says, "Did you know that humans are the only species where the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him and replies, "Oh yeah. and how can you prove it?" in the hopes that things might happen.
He frowns, gets out of bed, and leaves the bedroom with his wife looking perplexed.
About a half hour later he walks in all puffing and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and the sheep didn't but the way the pig was squealing, it was hard to tell."
The old farmer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his head.
"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.
"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "She'll never start."
The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance when the wife inquired slyly:
"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"
The old man shook his head more violently than before.
"She'll never stop," he asserted; "She'll never stop!"
Up in Minnesota Mr. Olsen had a cow killed by a railroad train. In due season the claim agent for the railroad called.
"We understand, of course, that the deceased was a very docile and valuable animal," said the claim agent in his most persuasive claim-agentlemanly manner, "And we sympathize with you and your family in your loss. But, Mr. Olsen, you must remember this: Your cow had no business being upon our tracks. Those tracks are our private property and when she invaded them, she became a trespasser. Technically speaking, you, as her owner, became a trespasser also. But we have no desire to carry the issue into court and possibly give you trouble. Now then, what would you regard as a fair settlement between you and the railroad company?"
"Well," said Mr. Olsen slowly, "Ay bane jus' a poor Swede farmer, but Ay shall give you two dollars."
The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly:
"Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?"
"That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile."
It was thus that the argument began. It progressed to a point of such violence that the old lady began belaboring the husband with her umbrella. The old man dodged and ran, with the wife in pursuit. The trainer had just opened the door of the lions' cage, and the farmer popped in. He crowded in behind the largest lion and peered over its shoulder fearfully at his wife, who, on the other side of the bars, shook her umbrella furiously.
"Coward!" she shouted. "Coward!"
Definition of relay...
What chickens do when the farmer takes their eggs away!
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it 7 feet - it won't break for the first six!
How did the egg get up the mountain?
It scrambled up!
How did the eggs leave the highway?
They went through the eggs-it.
Q: How did the farmer fix his jeans?
A: With a cabbage patch!
Two guys driving and there car breaks So they got to a fruit farmer and say "Fruit farmer do you have a place for us to stay tonight" The fruit farmer replies "Sure you can stay upstairs with my daughter just no sleeping with her." Unfortunately his daughter was a knock out so the two guys screwed the hell out of her. The next day the fruit farmer says since you disobeyed me i want each of you to go out in my fields and pick a hundred pieces of your favorite fruit. Relieved, the two guys said I thought he would be pissed So the two guys set out to pick their fruit The first guy comes back with a hundred cherries. To his surprise he finds himself staring at a double-barrelled shotgun And the fruit farmer says "Now shove them all up you ass" Well the guy gets to 25 and he starts giggling, He gets to 50 and he starts laughing, Finally gets to a hundred and he is laughing so hard pees a small stream down the inside of his trousers Not amused the fruit farmer yells "What the hell is so goddamn funny?" The guy replies "I'm just laughing at my buddy because he is picking watermelons."
There were these three Aggie agricultural students driving along this old farm road one day when they saw this farm, pulled in, and knocked on the farmer's door. The farmer answered the door and the three students introduced themselves and said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups and were wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter?"
The old farmer scratched his head and said, "You boys ain't gonna get no butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try."
About an hour later, the three came back, thanked the farmer, and drove off with their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his head, mumbled under his breath about "them damn uni students" and went on about his business.
About three months later, the same three students came up to the farm, knocked on the door, and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He chuckled and asked what he could do for them this time?
One of them said, "We were just driving by and happened to see you now have a field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go out and get us a bucket of milk?"
Once again, the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it and sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk from my milkweeds."
Once again, about an hour later, the three came back with their bucket overflowing with fresh milk and drove off. This time, the farmer was really confused, but just a little less skeptical.
It was about three or four months later when the three agricultural students came back and again knocked on the farmer's door, this time saying that they were driving by and saw the field full of pussywillows. Needless to say, the farmer went with them this time on their excursion.
There was a young man who was hitchhiking through one of the Southern states. A farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift. As they rode along, they got to talking about the local moonshine whiskey. The young man said he didn't drink very much and moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes.
"Nonsense!" said the farmer. "You gotta try some." He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. "Here," he said, handing the jar to the lad. "Take a drink!"
"Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "I really don't think I care for any."
"No, I insist," pressed the farmer. "Have some."
"No, thanks - really," said the young man.
The farmer wasn't going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, "I said, take a drink!"
"Okay! Okay!" said the young man. "I've changed my mind! I guess I will have some after all." The young man took a few swallows before he realized how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound.
"What do you think of it?" asked the farmer. "Good, ain't it?"
"Yeah," gasped the lad, "I guess so."
Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. "Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me take a drink!"
I hate farmers.
They're always spreading shit.
Why don't chickens play sports?
Because they hit fowl balls.
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."
What new crop did the farmer plant?
Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
(Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!)
Farmers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, turn-ip the covers, en-dive into bed!
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
What is a sheep's favorite game?
Why did the cabbage win the race?
(Because it was ahead!)
Why was the cucumber mad?
(Because it was in a pickle!)
What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
(Because he was out standing in his field!)
What day do potatoes hate the most?
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Lettuce in, we're freezing.
What happens if a sheep gets stuck in a fence?
Another sheep says I will get ewe out.